hit by a school bus...a short one none the less

2008-01-11T16:52:00.000-05:00

F beauty pageants. who says the women that are in the running for these titles accurately represent what they are running for? i know that a panel of "expert" judges choose who deserves most to be miss whatever, but i think these pageants are a joke and so are the women who are winning. i don't know about you, but apparently only girls who are 5'10'' and weigh 120 pounds give a shit about ending world hunger because they say so when asked to answer the question in 30 seconds or less. and i didn't realize that prancing around in a bikini on stage makes you intelligent enough to talk about saving the whales.
when choosing a woman to represent a certain beauty pageant title, i think the judges need to pick someone who is "real" and really represents the world that we live in today. some people were enraged when miss america could keep her title last year when the world found out she dabbled in underage drinking and did coke. i say, way to go. like 95% of all the other contestants haven't done something stupid once in their lifetime that could compromise a beauty pageant title.
that's why i think i would be an excellent candidate for miss america, or whatever pageant that accepts borderline midgets to enter. here i will produce a list of make believe girls that would enter the beauty pageants with me, because i think that if pageants were real like this, it would better represent the world we live in today.
possible candidates and their brief biographies:

renee/23 years old/from michigan, the weather fucking sucks there/renee has never attempted to save the world before, however, she did volunteer at an animal shelter for a summer while in college/renee experimented with underage drinking, found out she liked it, and hasn't stoppped since/illegal drugs are something that renee has tried before, she doesn't like smoking pot, but she will eat a motherfucking brownie now and then/she has done her share of illegal activities and hi-jacking a car is next on her list, i guess you can say that she is very determined to accomplish goals she sets for herself/renee graduated college, and still can't find a job in her field, prostitution may be in the near future so she can make some money/she would be an excellent candidate for any pageant title because she can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue and she's great with kids...when she's drunk.

destiny/24 years old/from flint-town/currently a stripper but working on her associates in social work/destiny grew up in a rich neighborhood, was spoiled as shit and decided to become a dancer to piss off her parents/she claims "fuck world hunger, i've got an illegitimate child to feed at home and my baby daddy ain't been seen for weeks."/destiny's favorite song is "bowdown" by westside connection when she's roilling on dubs/she would be an ecxellent candidate because she can put her tongue in someone's ear while performing a lap dance and pick pocket them at the same time...she's great at multi-tasking.

debbie/27 years old/from ann arbor/debbie just got out of the joint for a murder conviction when she was 16/she has a multitude of tattoos of baby jesus on her back and down her legs/she can break bricks in half with her hands/when she's not with her PO, she's off trying to score some smack from kids who are half her age/she can't locate europe on a world map and has no idea that there are 7 continents/debbie would be a great candidate because she can make a prison shank out of anything, including a toothbrush, so i guess you can say she's good with her hands...and she strangled a bitch in prison that one time. bitch had it coming, anyway.

which one would you choose to win? i forgot to mention that if i did ever enter a pageant, i would need a fake pregnant belly, a 40 oz of malt liquor and a cigarette just to add some pizazz....look what those three things did for britney's career.

2008-01-10T18:55:00.000-05:00

chain letters are ridiculous. they have invaded every mass communication outlet we have ever created; written letters, e-mail, texting, myspace bulletins....etc. i will not part-take in the nonsense of passing on a chain letter. i do not believe that if i do not send this letter to 2,496 people within the next 20 minutes i will have bad luck in love. i do not believe that if i do not forward this letter that world hunger will be cured. and i sure as hell don't buy the ones that say if you forward this letter to 2 people and they forward this letter to 2 people and so on, you will receive 45 cents for every person that keeps the letter going. i have a better idea, if you are so infatuated with the idea of possibly making 45 cents off of people forwarding a letter, it must be out of this world to actually go and apply for a job where you could earn at least $8 an hour. i think some people actually believe in the power of the chain letter, that it may ruin their lives if they do not forward the message. a donkey will not rape your sister at midnight and then slap you in the face with a rotting fish if you stop a chain letter. and you will never find the person of your dreams by sending out a stupid chain letter, either. if you are that concerned with finding the person of your dreams by sending e-mail messages, join eRapist.com. (sorry, that was a little harsh, eHarmony.com.) for the sake of all things sane in this world, please do not send anymore chain letters. i am not too worried that a midget smeared in blue paint might slash my tires or a bald eagle wearing a spinner necklace will drop a dead baby on my car during rush hour. bad things don't happen to people because they stop a chain letter. bad things happen to people with non-registered weapons, heroin addictions and expired work visas. breathe a sigh of relief.

2007-12-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

thank goodness i do not have children....i would tell them that instead of leaving cookies for santa, they should leave margaritas, fun-yuns and nudie mags. yet another reason why i should never pro-create. merry x-mas, happy kwanzaa, happy chanukkah....however you take it...have a good one.

2007-12-14T16:52:00.000-05:00

renee's new and updated resume:

Renee Ann Carol
Address: I live with my parents.
Special Skills: I can bowl over 200 on Nintendo Wii, I make a pretty mean mango frozen margarita, I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tounge, I am able to color inside the lines, and I can pat my head while rubbing my belly.
Experience: I have a lot, I kind of get around.
Education: Bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

In all actuality, I do have a real resume and college degree, but my degree is useless. I think I would have had better luck in the working world if I had a degree in one of the following, and/or taken classes regarding some of these subjects:

~underwater mating habits of Icelandic mermaids and the sea tortoise
~the declining sales of spandex jumpsuits
~the effect of sniffing glue and the common 2nd grader
~tourettes and the adverse reaction during a sexual situation
~fat girls and the mini skirt addiction
~ninjas and their influence on Asians in America

2007-12-10T20:45:00.000-05:00

that's right. it's been far too long since my last post, i almost forgot this place existed. during my almost 2 year break from blogger.com i have learned some things about myself that i will list in numerical order:
1. smelling scented candles makes me hungry.
2. college degrees do not ensure proper employment after graduation. thanks, cmu.
3. i love being a bartender. there's nothing like telling a customer to fuck off and still having a job the next day.
4. i still have a drinking problem. no surprise there, though.
5. jell-o wrestling should only be attempted once in a lifetime. twice, well, then, you're just a fucking moron. i guess i could be considered a fucking moron.
6. chili cheese fries taste the same on the way up as they do going down.
7. i should never procreate.
8. the original candyland board game is way cooler than the more modern version. there is no plumpy. how can we exist in a world where there is no plumpy? that furry fucking bastard...
9. smoking cigarettes does not make me look cool. jell-o wrestling in front of a huge crowd and then being hosed off half naked in the Whiskey's kitchen like cattle, does.
10. apparently i cannot dance. or at least a drag queen told me so. there is nothing like being put in your place by a "woman" who has "her" testicles duct taped to her leg singing "it's raining men."

believe it, bitches. i am getting back in to the swing of things with my passion for blogging. more offensive and pointless posts coming soon. blogging keeps the mind off of drinking. if only i could find something to cure my porn addiction.

2006-01-15T17:41:00.000-05:00

it's true. i was in the middle of switching subways for my homeward bound commute when i noticed. i stepped off the first subway and i took a deep breath. i smelled the aroma of sweat, soot and mold. off in the distance i heard something with a beat, so i followed it. as i drew closer to the sound, the remix version of beverly hills cop danced around in my ears, and my heart beat widly with anticipation. what could it be? someone listening to their i-pod too loud? no, it couldn't be, the sound was too rich and real to be streaming through someones earphones. as i continued to follow the rhythm, i stumbled upon a large crowd gathered around. my heart beat faster and faster and i tried to peer through the crowd, but being short didn't help. but then, as someone moved out of the way, there it was. the most glorious thing i have ever seen, a tear formed and tumbled down my cheek. there was the one thing that i had been looking for to make my life complete (sorry, noah). as the person finished moving out of my line of sight, i caught a glance of my very own......OMARION. well, not really Omarion in the flesh, but good enough. there they were...half dressed, sweaty and spinning around on the floor to the beats coming out of their 1986 boom box. a plethora of asian and african americans bending and flexing in ways i didn't know existed to the beat of music. guys had their shirts off, girls had their jeans rolled up, and all were entertaining the crowd and each other. i was watching when all of a sudden someone said, "you just mad, 'cuz today, you suckaz got served." actually, that didn't happen, only in my head, but it would have made my experience complete. all too sudden, i had to leave. as much as i would love to hang out in the subway and breathe rotten air, i had to go to catch my train. but as i walked away, i felt complete and whole. people getting served really does happen, and i think it makes the world a better place. don't worry, Omarion impersonator, i'll return to watch more serving.

2006-01-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

on the subway the other day, i noticed a cut on my pinky finger, and the first thought that came to my head was, "oh my gosh, now i have aids." thanks to noah sending me some stats, the third leading cause of death in NYC is AIDS. living in the city is an experience, but it is making me paranoid. now, i am not judgmental, nor do i live my life by statistics, but you can't help but wonder, "what if?" i know that i am being overly dramatic. what's next, i fall down and bruise my knee, now i have scabies. i get sneezed on by a stranger, now i have cancer. i brush up against someone on the street, now i'm pregnant...it never ends. i also think a big part of my paranoia is being by myself. having no one makes someone overly paranoid. all i need is one friend in the city, and then i wouldn't be scared of everything...hell, i could make out with some stranger and not even think about getting oral gonorrhea. j/k, i don't talk to strangers, either.

2006-01-09T12:14:00.000-05:00

ok, so, for those of you who don't know, i am in new york city for the next 4 months while i do an internship with VH1. i voluntarily threw myself into this chaotic city, and i fear it might eat me alive, that is, if the flesh eating bacteria from the subway doesn't get me first. i am living on an island right next to manhattan called roosevelt island, and it mainly consists of apartment buildings and grocery stores...oh, we have a post office, too. the city is really pretty at night (in case you have never seen it) and times square is nuts with all the lights. i do, however, sometimes miss the normalcy of ortonville/oxford/mount pleasant. i miss the $1 pints of beer and the hicks that chew tobacco and spit in a cup. i don't think i could ever get used to paying $8 for a gallon of milk and seeing 8-year-olds that are more gangster than any adult i have ever seen. i think that coming home in may will be a huge relief, and i won't have to tote hand sanitizer with me wherever i go.

2005-11-13T18:28:00.000-05:00

what i learned about myself this weekend: I LACK SELF CONTROL.
this means:
a. i should never own a gun. period.
b. no one should trust me with small children, valuables, or perishable goods.
c. i should never be sold a liqour license to own and operate my own bar.
d. i should never bring more than $20 to the bar because i just end up drinking and pissing away my money.
e. people should steer clear of me at all times...i am like a wild animal and i could turn at any moment.
f. no one should give me a megaphone and place me in front of a large group of people.
g. going to jail could be in my near future.

lack of self control=becoming big bertha's passive and precious girlfriend in jail.

if i do not gain self control soon, i could lose a lot of things that are important to me...mostly my dignity. any comments on how to keep my sanity and my pride would be greatly appreciated.

2005-11-01T07:35:00.000-05:00

drunk strangers coming into your house and peeing on your floor is not fun. trust me, i know.
that should be in a fortune cookie.

2005-10-23T16:59:00.000-04:00

what have i discovered in the past month and neglected to comment about in here?
well, katie holmes is knocked up, britney had her baby and gained a triple chin, avril is engaged to deryck whibley, rumors about nick and jessica splitting have multiplied like hamsters, jen aniston and vince vaughn are an item and i am still amazed that you are supposed to use mouthwash before brushing. what do i have to say about all of this? check'er out:
katie and tom: shame on you, tom, for preying on joey potter. are you happy now? do you need a couch to jump on? you have successfully planted your seed in the only woman in hollywood that i would still like to believe is a virgin.
britney: you had a baby. babies are a little tougher to take care of than pint-sized dogs. it won't go as well with your prada evening dress at an event and it probably won't fit comfortably in the louis vuitton carrying case.
avril and deryck: i will send you a case of molson ice if it works out...and only if you two move back to canada.
nick and jessica: get a divorce already so the tabloids have something else to write about.
jen and vince: adopt foreign children together to give brad and angelina a run for their money. and then deny you two are together.
mouthwash: still amazed...it never ends.

2005-09-21T11:36:00.000-04:00

ah! it's been a month already...well, here's what renee has learned while on her brief hiatus from blogger.com:

1. renee and homer simpson are probably the only two people on the face of the earth that dream about doughnuts. but ruling out that homer is not really a person, i guess that makes me the only one. dammit.
2. air conditioning is really expensive...i mean REALLY!
3. tubing down the chip river can be fun with a dysfunctional couple...i.e. jake and amanda...
3. a. throwing someone's car in reverse while driving at 55 MPH down the road is not a good way to say, "i love you." i.e. jake and amanda, again.
4. facebook still blows.
5. you are supposed to use mouthwash prior to brushing to loosen plaque. who knew?
6. jager bombs taste like poison...not like i drink poison or anything...uh...
7. forgiveness is a beautiful thing.
8. guys with the name B-RAD only break hearts...*whimper* (not my heart, i swear)
9. lazy slaps are painless, yet serious...write that down.
10. pearsall is a moron...his manners are equivalent to that of a barbarian....what's next? hitting women over the head with a club and dragging them back to your cave? shit, that might have already taken place...you never know with pearsuck.

2005-08-20T19:30:00.000-04:00

it was yet another exciting episode of "Mount Pleasant 48858" last night. started off at dustin's staring at his girlfriend's breasts that were obnoxiously hanging out of her shirt...i couldn't look away...oh, we played drinking games, too. then megan and i went to o'kelly's. after too many drinks and a public display of affection...insert lesbian joke here...we proceeded to drink and go to another bar. big mistake. i talked everyone's ears off, got cut off at the bar, got jumped on by a friend and then we fell into a wall, walked home, lost a flip flop, tried to climb a fence and amazingly did not get hit by a car. all followed up with dry heaving in the bathroom at work today.

bottom line: renee has a drinking problem that leads to loss of shoes. but at least i still have my wife...why he's with me, i have no idea....maybe it's because i am drunk entertainment and a borderline lesbian. (sorry, megs, i love you, but i would never date you, i don't want to always be known as "the butch one" and you are too high maintainence for me.)

gee, we should have capped off the night by going streaking. that would have been sweet.

in other news, jonathan taylor thomas is not gay. leave the artist formerly known as randy taylor alone. it's not like he asked to be 5'4''.

2005-08-16T15:58:00.000-04:00

renee's idea of a love letter:

dear (fill in the blank),
words cannot describe how much i love you...mostly because when the gag ball is in my mouth, it's hard to speak. you are the apple of my eye, the yin to my yang, and that sensation in my nether area...or maybe that's the crabs. whenever i see you, i get a feeling in my stomach that could be described as butterflies, but to me, it feels more like a dry heave. i love you because you we fit perfectly together like whitney and bobby, minus the black part. i love you because i know that if we live that long, you will love it when i whisper sweet nothings in to your ear with my voice box. love is a friendship that is set on fire, and everything else set on fire is arson, so basically, love is arson that i can't get arrested for. i love you like a fat kid loves cake, or cookies, or twinkies, or anything coated in sugar and sprinkles for that matter that can lead to childhood obesity and juvenile diabetes. i never thought i would find someone like you, mostly because i usually give up too easily if i can't find something. i think it's important that your friends like me, they all say i give some pretty good head...but i am straying from the subject. what i am trying to say is that i truly love you...well, this week, anyway.

love, yours temporarily,
(writer's name here)

2005-07-19T16:08:00.000-04:00

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Actor Colin Farrell is suing a woman for allegedly trying to distribute and profit from a sex tape he says the two recorded with the agreement it would never be made public.
The lawsuit filed Monday seeks monetary damages as well as a temporary restraining order and injunction prohibiting the sale or other use of the videotape.
Farrell, 29, accuses Nicole Narain of trying to distribute the tape through an intermediary. The two had an intimate relationship 2 1/2 years ago and both agreed that the 15-minute tape that shows the couple having sex would be jointly owned by them and would remain private, according to the suit.
Narain could not be reached for comment. A call to a phone number listed for her showed the number had been disconnected.
A message left for Farrell's attorney was not immediately returned Monday.
The lawsuit also accused the 31-year-old woman of working with the owner of an Internet pornography business and contacting the news media about the tape.
The lawsuit said the release of the videotape would irreparably harm Farrell's reputation and career.
Farrell, who has starred in "S.W.A.T" and "Alexander," and is slated to appear in "The New World" and "Miami Vice," has been named one of the sexiest men alive by People magazine.
He has a son with model Kim Bordenave.

ah, so many things come to mind when reading this.
first, sex tapes are made to go public. celebrities obviously gain money and fame and lose their common sense. a verbal agreement to not release a sex tape=release of sex tape for a profit and revenge.
second, a 15 minute tape? a hot, young irish boy=15 minutes in the sack? hope has been lost everywhere if colin farrell can only last 15 minutes. ever heard of foreplay, you one-pump chump?
third, this tape will not "harm" his rep. we all know what happened to paris, she's everywhere...even selling burgers on tv commercials.

bottom line...sex tapes=burger endorsements.

2005-07-18T16:14:00.000-04:00

i know that my site can prove to be insensitive, rude and useless to some, but this post is here to prove that i can be informative and use this time to teach readers valuable facts...that they will never probably use again. thanks to hookedonfacts.com, i have some random facts that are worth sharing. my comments are in red...(just so there is no confusion.)

*one out of 700 identity thefts are caught every year...the others must have some really good false identities.
*there are 3 golf balls on the moon...this is by far, happy gilmore's greatest victory.
*a toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans...thus proving that we are too dumb to realize that toothpicks are not to be eaten...but i guarantee that porn stars have choked on worse.
*there are 10 cities in the U.S. named Hollywood....and i believe that all are filled with talentless idiots.
*45.2% of people pee in the shower...i got nothing, it must be the convenience.
*there are more bacteria in people's mouths than there are people in the world...does this classify making out as lethal?
*the U.S. military's dried food rations can be re-hydrated with urine...but, i bet they don't taste the same.
*a species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length...imagine the delicious bass you could catch with that.
*flamingoes pee on their legs to cool themselves off...funny, some people do this when they are incredibly drunk.
*iguanas have 2 penises...and they say that the lion is the king of the jungle...ha!
*Formicophilia is the name of a fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals...what dumbshit actually sits back and thinks of a name for something like this? i call it "fucking gross."
*a sneeze can travel up to 100MPH...imagine the snot rockets.
*the U.S. government spent $277K on pickle research in 1993...call me crazy, but i would have rather spent that on cancer research, but i guess that's just me.
*the largest diamond ever found was 3,106 carats...and it is now located on J.Lo's finger.
*the world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 years old, and lived in China in 1910...i guess "get her before the hair does" takes on a whole new meaning.
*Sheep can recognize other sheep from pictures...who actually studies this? get a real fucking job.

okay...time for recess.

2005-07-12T21:35:00.000-04:00

i think it's funny when girls blow things totally out of proportion. we also add so much uneccesary drama that it makes me ashamed to own a vagina. when things don't go our way, we need to just sit back and think, w.w.p.d.? (what would penis do?). i am not going to sit here and worship men for their lack of sensitivity and common sense, but i will reward them for their no-drama tactics. although men, those species that tend to think with the smaller head, have a lot of brushing up to do when it comes to things such as pulling their heads out of their asses, i think girls should learn a few things from them....yes, i did say that. when girls get into catfights, they could last days, if not weeks, and the silent treatment is not something that i like to participate in. i think it would be easier if girls took their opponent out in the parking lot and settled it like boys. then, the next morning they could do a simple high five, and call it a day. or, instead of girls getting all pissy when someone rejects them, they should just shrug it off and move onto the next thing that has two legs and walks upright. guys do it all the time, and they don't have low self esteem and lock themselves in the bathroom and cry about it. they grab another beer to boost their confidence and try the next white-trash pick line that they think will actually work. so, take my advice, pretend to have a penis for a day and wash your logic and common sense away.

2005-06-30T10:53:00.000-04:00

things that just don't work for me:
1. oral B brush ups...there is no "rip, slip, brush, ahh"...it's more like, "rip slip, brush, uhhhhhh, what am i using these for?"
2. vegetable peelers. i can't ever use these right, i have to use them backwards in order to peel anything...i think i am peeler challenged.
3. kroger brand potatoe salad. way too much mayo and other mcnasty that makes you wanna herf.
4. man whores. i've gotten to know a few, and so has my roommate. we both agree...stay out of the nasty poon-tang.
5. facebook. like megan and i have said, if you are on facebook, you don't talk about facebook. is this like some secret society? "The first rule about facebook is we don't talk about facebook." okay, that's why i never joined the dating cult/fight club rip in the first place.
6. greeks. you can still be a whore and a loser without wearing letters. paris hilton demonstrates this all the time.
7. court dates. thanks to someone, i love sitting around the mount pleasant court house because of someone else's stupidity...stop being selfish and inconsiderate. but i guess it's cool, i bet money that you are knocked up by the time you turn 21. good luck ever moving out of ortonville.
8. summer classes...and speaking of which, i must attend mine...

....we musn't dwell, not on rex manning day.

2005-05-17T11:21:00.000-04:00

renee's favorite non-famous quotes:

"why don't they make budweiser light?'
~erin...i knew you were blonde for a reason.

"i just wanted to take my muffin out of my purse."
~jennifer...this should have a sexual inside joke to it...but simply, she just had a huge muffin in her damn purse.

"you don't take state by being a chump."
~dad...you are such a bad ass.

"girls don't have sperm, we have pimp juice."
~me...sometimes, i think i am brilliant.

"no, seriously guys, i'm not that drunk."
~walters...this is coming from the guy who just drank a fifth of popov blue label.

"if you were a guy, renee, you would be hung like an asian man."
~jennifer, yet again...and in retaliation, if you were a man, i hope you would be hung like a toddler...and un-circumcized.

2005-05-04T09:21:00.000-04:00

renee can now die a happy woman and know that she accomplished just about every goal she set for herself. last night...in a buzzed up state, renee...who obviously talks about herself in third person....felt two pairs of fake breasts. not just one, but two...two pairs of water baloons that felt like they were stuffed with flour and surgically placed in a female's chest. one of the pairs was painfully fake that could be noticed across the bar, and after stalking her for about a minute, i finally grew the balls to tell her that i wasn't a lesbian, but i wanted to cop a feel on those large monuments. she looked a little suprised, probably because she wasn't drunk yet, but agreed to have me feel her up. the second encounter happened in a bathroom...i felt a little like george michael with this one. these were not so noticably fake...they were normal sized and covered up. my friend started talking to her and found out that her breasts were definitely purchased. after applying a two hand grip on this set, i came to the conclusion that breast implants are a bad idea. but, i said that they felt nice, because who wants to buy something really expensive and have people talk bad about it? i wouldn't talk shit about someone's bentley...although a bentley would look really wierd surgically implanted in a girls chest.
over-all, i think that fake boobies are bad for three reasons:
1. they cost too damn much. if you want to blow your money on something that could be potentially harmful to your body, blow your money on drugs...that way, when you are all doped up, you will forget about your itty bitty titties.
2. you have to replace them every so often. as if the first surgery wouldn't be bad enough, you will have to endure more to have them "refreshed." i hated having my nose pierced twice, let alone someone rip open my fun bags every eight years or so to keep my fake boobs healthy.
3. they don't move. if you bounce around, they stay in one place. if i am going to pay so much for boobs, at least give me mobile ones. geeze.

my mom calls this one of my "lesbian adventures." just because i have an infatuation with touching breast implants doesn't make me a lesbian, right? i just wanted to feel a fake boob...it's not my fault that they are connected to a girl's chest.

2005-04-22T03:21:00.000-04:00

okay, let's re-cap on why renee's life sucks...this is actually one of my favorite topics to write about...
point a~ i work at a bar that is run basically by an 18 year-old...not to mention that this 18-year-old's dad owns the place and is a major douche bag...renee+pub=life sucking
point b~ yes, i still own the hanson cd along with the spice girls and the macarena song cd...does it get any worse than that?
point c~ my closest friend in mount pleasant is my cat
point d~ i chew...yes tobacco...but i am from the oxford/ortonville area, so i guess this is acceptable
point e~ i think i have developed a severe case of dyslexia...it took me 21 years to figure this out
point f~ the only things that i have in my fridge are milk, ketchup, and ranch dressing
point h~ i obviously don't know my alphabet, because i think that "h" comes after "f"
point i~ i don't have cable anymore...it got shut off...thanks to a whore of an old roommate
point j~ i am too cheap to pay for heat in the winter...i wear leg warmers, socks, sweat pants, a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, and a sweat shirt to bed...sorry friends who had to suffer through the night without heat who came to visit me
point k~ i missed 3 classes all semester long...what a dork
point l~ my highlight of spring break was making out with my friend, megan
point m~ i sleep wiTH A HELLO KITTY NIGHT LIGHT
point n~my fat fingers hit every key on the keyboard when i type...notice the caps above?
point o~ i have to write my weeks schedule on a scrap piece of paper, because i can't remeber a damn thing
point p~ i own elmo slippers and i am 21 years old...and i love them
point q~ i actually sit around and contemplate reasons to why i am a loser...but at least i am honest with myself

i do have encouragement, though from people that keep my life sweet...for example, this quote that i saved from bart:
"Take it easy, keep the posts coming, sometimes they inspire me to write on my blog again. You're kinda like a part time muse."
thanks, bart...my day just got a little better.

2005-04-20T21:55:00.000-04:00

so, lately i have been researching why my head doesn't seem like it's put on right...and i figured it out...it's those damn children's movies. now, i know that back in the 80's a lot of things seemed like a good idea...crimped hair, rolled up jeans, listening to michael jackson before he touched little boys...but why would it be a good idea to show your kids "the dark crystal," "never ending story," "labyrinth," "wizard of oz," and even "willy wonka and the chocolate factory?" these movies have given me complexes that can never be fixed. for example, i have a fear of little things, especially little people. now, i know that everyone is equal and has feelings, but when you come up to my kneecap and could take me out by biting my ankles, i get a little freaked out. so, where could this have come from? ah, maybe oompa loompas, or any other fictional characters that have scarred me for life. in my relatively mature years, i have many things to be scared of because of kid's movies. no child should ever see a skexie, which looks like an ostrich on heroin that looks like it grew up under power lines. no child should ever see a magwai after it turns into a gremlin because someone fed it after midnight. no child should ever believe that a candy bar with a golden ticket will get them into the most luxurious candy manufacturer for a day where they take a psychedelic boat ride that gives you nightmares for months. no child should ever have to encounter the freaky flying dog/dragon with nasty scales and wings along with the rock man and the wolf that foams at the mouth. and no child should believe that skittles can lure in an alien...i think they are too itelligent for that and would much rather anally probe you to impregnate you. i am still scared of little pudgy aliens, thank you mr. speilberg. every problem that i have nowadays i blame on those cracked out kid's movies. forget blaming my problems on the massive amounts of alcohol that i consume...i failed at being successful because i believed that if i float in the air and come close to a ceiling fan, burping will save me from death. i failed at life because i believed that my bike could double as a flying oblect and that i could phone home with my glowing pointer finger. i failed at everything because i believed that i could follow the yellow brick road to happiness. i think if i ever have children, i will show them movies such as "old school," "kids," and "bad boys." at least they would learn how to throw a college party, learn that sex is highly dangerous, and know that black people can be funny and scary with guns.

oh, and by the way, happy 4/20 you smot pokers. eat some funyuns for me.

2005-04-11T22:44:00.000-04:00

so, you "want a famous face?" take some tips from me and the procedure will be cheaper...and less painful.
so, you want to be/look like:
~britney. easy, get hair extensions and let them show as much as possible, dye your hair more than you should, and pack on a few pounds so everyone can think you're pregnant. oh, and don't forget to find that husband that looks like he just rummaged through the dumpster for dinner.
~paris. dye your hair a shade of blonde that looks so painfully fake, practice keeping one eye lazy with the eyelid half shut, dance on tables like a drunken idiot, reduce your vocabulary down to one phrase, "that's hot," and tote a chihuahua that looks like it has to piss nervously all over the place. oh, you have to practice that whole night vision eye glow thing, and show your vagina in public at least twice a week.
~christina. pierce every flap of skin that you have, wear so much black eyeliner that it looks like tar, and don't forget the ass-less chaps.
~nicole ritchie. get addicted to heroin, lose a bunch of weight, then run around and say "fuck" a lot.
~angelina jolie. make out with the ass end of a bee. that stinger should puff out your lips just about right. or, you could date ike turner...he could probably puff out your lips pretty good too...and your cheeks, nose, jaw, eye...damn tina, throw a steak on it.
~lindsey lohan. water bra...that should do it.
~justin timberlake. put your hair in corn-rows and dance around like a faggot. and throw in a high pitched "i just got kicked in the nuts" voice and you've got the whole package.

2005-04-06T22:26:00.000-04:00

it is a bad idea to have a child if:
~you think it would be cool if you could train them to jump through hoops. that's what seaworld is for...and dolphins are probably a lot better at doing that.
~you need some form of entertainment because you are bored. why don't you just go play mini golf?
~you think it is important to carry on the ingenious genes that god had gifted you with. if you have not a cure for cancer, or cannot solve a rubix cube in 3 seconds, your genes are useless. your offspring would most likely just grow up to watch jerry springer and know how to open beer cans with their teeth....although, that cave man quality is pretty impressive....
~you are too lazy to do chores yourself. hire a maid for christ's sake.
~you are under the age of 21. if you can't drink, how the hell are you going to put up with children?
~your boyfriend thinks it's a good idea. um, last time i checked, he wasn't the one who was going to get fat and push something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a dime.
~you have a severe drinking problem. i am not talking about the damage that a fetus (i just said "fetus"...eww) can receive while in the womb, but after it's born. the teachers will not be impressed when a pre-schooler can shotgun a beer.
~you have massive amounts of body hair. this one should be obvious...your teen-wolf child will shun you for creating offspring...thank you, hereditary genes.
~you have a knack for doing stupid things....over and over. why is it that only the stupid genes always get passed down?

2005-03-31T16:58:00.000-05:00

when i sit back and reminisce about tv shows that rocked, i get sad, because a lot of them don't run anymore, or they are in syndication. here's my list of tv shows that rocked and should be brought back, full throttle:
1. sifl and ollie. this was a brilliant show that featured 2 sock puppets doing things like interviewing batteries and other household products. my hat goes off to the stoner that created this kick ass tv show.
2. undressed. this was aired on mtv for a time, but it got cancelled. it was on at about 11 p.m. or so, and it was a show all about sex, hence the title. i really liked it. well, maybe that's because i am a giant perv.
3. golden girls. i don't care who you are or where you're from, you love this show. i still can't get over the fact that the grandmother in the show was actually older than blanche, rose and dorothy! those make-up people rock.
4. beavis and butt-head. i don't have a reason why i like this one...maybe because i know 2 people that look exactly like beavis and butt-head...poor bastards.
5. my little pony. i'm not talking about the shit that runs on tv now, because the old cartoons are genuine. i love my little ponies...and i am attracted to all of the bright colors.

2005-03-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

okay, okay. i know that my website might be offensive, boring, or downright tasteless for some of you viewers, but there's a cure for that...don't read it. if you don't like what i have to say, then don't click on my weblink to read my thoughts. i would assume that if you people don't like doing something, then you wouldn't do it. it's kind of like sticking your tongue on a 9-volt battery. it doesn't feel that great, so that's why some people choose not to do it. i, by no means, pry your eyelids open and force you to read anything that i write, it's all by choice. this is not a dictatorship where i am the dictator and i force you to do things...no, that's not me, his name was hitler. for example, i received a lovely comment left for me about my post on "useless objects." someone by the name of "anonymous" left me one of their examples of a useless object..."useless blogs" they put. now, call me sherlock holmes, but i suspect that comment was downright catty. this is where the 9-volt analogy comes into play...if you don't like what i have to say, then quit reading what i write. unless you are trying to receive a cheap lesson on how to be witty, creative, and have a dimensional personality, i suggest you read something else. go ahead and post your useless comments about me and my writing skills. you can even call me a name or two, it's not like i haven't already been called every name in the book. writing is how i express myself, you may do it with fingerpaint or by glue-ing cheerios to a piece of construction paper. just because your creativity may suck, doesn't mean that you have to knock mine.

now, run along. arts and crafts time is calling, and i hear today's project is making necklaces out of fruit-loops and string.

jeeze, i fucking rock.

2005-03-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

useless products. so many are made every year by young, hopeful asian children that wish to be promoted to making 3 cents a day rather than a quarter of a penny. but, sadly, so many of these products are a waste of money and infomercial space. some of these products include:

~the "seeing" vacuum. what a rip. that's what Lola the maid is for...she has eye balls and she knows how to use a vacuum. the only difference, Lola can salsa and she knows that the cat is not a vacuum-able object.
~just about any contraption for working out:
~the ab-roller. okay, fatass...do some real sit-ups. just because the ab-roller has a wheel, doesn't mean that you have to go back to the caveman era and be amazed.
~the thigh master. suzanne sommers selling any product just doesn't work for me.
~the gazelle....or whatever it is. try running...it's the same motion and you don't have to pay $19.99 a month for it.
~the pot that cooks and drains pasta. this is for those challenged people who can't successfully transfer pasta from boiling water into a huge strainer. dipshits.
~the gopher. sure, it helps people reach things that are in difficult to reach places, but if a sock falls behind the dryer, do you really care to get it? and if you just can't part with the sock, just un-wind a clothes hanger and it does the same thing...oh, and it's so much cheaper.
~a hair dryer stand. okay, now if you can't do a simple task such as drying your own hair, then you should probably hire someone to bathe and feed you, too. god, there's no hope for you...at all.

2005-02-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

what would the world be like if paris hilton were president?
well, i can answer that absurd question. first of all, the vice prez would be ex-heroin addict nicole ritchie...who else? the pledge of allegiance would be changed to the simple phrase, "that's hot." the american flag would change from it's red, white and blue colors to hot pink with a picture of her chihuahua in the middle. paris and nicole would make a reality tv show about running for president...and FOX would eat it up. schools' dress codes would change...skirts would have to be 3 inches long, accompanied by jimmy choo stilettos, and boys would have to go shirtless. minumum wage would rise to $65.00 an hour, because paris has no value of money at all, she has been spending her parent's the first 20 years of her life before she became famous for being famous. girls weighing more than 120 pounds would be sent to fat camp. blonde hair dye would come in one color-lovely paris blonde. weight-loss plans would come with coke dealer's phone numbers...because you know her diet plan is something that she eats through her nose. marijuana would be legal, because you would have to be high as hell to sit there and listen to her give speeches on stopping world hunger...odds are, she doesn't even know that africa is it's own continent, let alone name 3 countries in it. i would go on, but i have other things to do for now...more to come soon.

2005-02-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

go to this website and look at this prom dress...it's selling like hot cakes....i didn't know that vegas hookers could be dates to the prom. ouch.

www.wiog.com and click on "mornings at large".

scroll down to see the dress once you get to the website. let me know what you think.

2005-01-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

if i were to write marraige vows, they would go something like this:
1. i vow to love and cherish you for the rest of my life...and by the "rest of my life" i mean until the alcohol/drugs wear off.
2. i promise that i will never hurt you emotionally. as for physically, that depends. don't go off and do something stupid and i won't hurt you by putting your head through the refigerator door.
3. i vow to never cheat on you, i will always remain faithful. however, when i am completely smashed or on a carribean vacation, it doesn't count.
4. i promise to cherish you in sickness and in health, unless you come down with a deadly disease...in that case, stay the hell away from me.
5. i promise to love you for richer or poorer. so when i lose all of my money gambling, you better stick to this and let me have your bank account number.
6. i promise to treat you nicely in front of friends and family. but when we go home, the act wears off and you can go get me a beer from the fridge and i will go back to pretending that you are my housekeeper.
7. i vow to have sex with you only when i am interested. acceptable excuses for being denied ass: i'm too tired, i have a headache, and no, i've already gotten some from your brother/sister.
8.(a). i promise not to procreate with you if we think the kids will turn out to be ugly or losers. being ugly and a loser is a social handicap...why do that to small, innocent children?
8.(b). i will not procreate with you if i think that our child would grow to have an obsession with dungeons and dragons, buy a hillary duff cd, or aspire to be the world's greatest hopscotch-er.
9. i promise to live by the saying, "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine."
10. i vow to love you through thick and thin. but if you get too thick, i will refer you to one of the many reality tv make-over shows. and if you get too thin, i will take the needle out of your arm, hand you a sandwich, and give you mary-kate's phone number.

if only i was licensed to marry people and write their vows...i think there would be a lot more cancellations of weddings, resulting in a lower divorce rate because they would never get married in the first place. one day i will save the world. and not by stopping world hunger or the spread of AIDS, but by telling the awful truth about marraige and wedding ceremonies and saving people from the financial fuck of a wedding and a divorce. amen.

2005-01-10T17:24:00.000-05:00

so, i opened a can of soup today. i will not tell you which brand, but i will tell you that there was an extra surprise in there. no, not a little green army man that you would find in the cracker jack box, but a big, fuzzy, cuddly, green-ish/blue-ish piece of mold. now, i thought i was safe from mold with canned food because no air could get in, therefore, leaving no way to produce the fun fuzzy mold. but, i guess i stand corrrected. now, i was pretty bitter about finding this friend in my soup because i had a hankering for clam chowder. but, i had to break down and do what i hate, which is throw food away. i thought, "oh, a little pennicillin never hurt anybody," and i plucked the mold out of the soup. but after thinking long and hard, i refered back to what my mother said. she cans food a lot, and if one doesn't seal right, bad bacteria can get into the jar, and if opened and eaten, you could become very sick. so, i went with my gut feeling and threw the chowder away and kicked myself in the ass because starving children in ethiopia would've eaten the soup anyway. they take baths in sewage rivers, and i am grossed out by a little mold. i am such a sissy.

2005-01-04T18:03:00.000-05:00

don't you love it when a 94 year-old woman tells you where to stick it? well, maybe you don't, but seeing that my parents live with my great aunt, i know this feeling all too well. let me just say that she doesn't like women. she loves men because they eat her food and she feels honored to clean up after them...excuse me while i vomit. okay, puke session over. and she especially doesn't like me because i eat the least out of the family. so, when i moved away to college, she was thrilled and probably indulged herself in her numerous crossword puzzles. but, every now and again when i come home, she feels it necessary to piss me off. she always has to ask me when i am leaving 80 times, and then when she figures she pissed me off enough with that question, she makes sure that i verify the date that i am leaving. for example:
Aunt Ann: so, renee, are you sure you are leaving tomorrow?
Me: Yeah, i have things i have to do at school.
Aunt Ann: but, you are really leaving for good tomorrow?
Me: yeah, now leave me the fuck alone before you could make it any more clear that you don't like me. (okay, maybe this last part was is my head.)
but, she always has to rain on my parade to make herself feel better. she also likes to comment on my weight by telling me that no matter how i eat, i am going to get fat. but we shall save that for another day. as for now, i will continue to wonder why we don't put her in an assisted living home, because she has almost burnt down our house about 7 times. good call mom and dad for choosing to take in a royal bitch who will only live to be 209. cheers.

2005-01-02T18:19:00.000-05:00

happy fuckin' new year. here's my resolutions:
1. to only drink once a week...i know, i know, it seems far fetched, but it needs to be accomplished...drinking 4 or 5 times a week is bad...yet oh so good.
2. go to the gym more often. this one is way over used and not nearly half of the people that say this actually stick to it...but with all of that drinking, my ass needs to go to the gym.
3. seek revenge on everyone that will piss me off this year. my new years already started off with a couple of people on my shit list. who goes to their friend's house for new years, starts a fight, and then calls the party host a bitch and a slut and all of the other naughty words he could think of? not cool, man. oh, and did i forget to mention that every girl at this party got punched either in the face or on the head? give me a fucking break. take your macho man attitude back to the ghetto where you got it from...and who bites someones finger in a fight? either the attacker was really hungry and just confused it with a cocktail weenie, or he wanted to throw a spin on the whole holyfield situation by biting a finger. my advice: eat before you come, and don't watch mike tyson box...he may give you some bad ideas.

happy new year '05...may it be filled with beer, bitches, and many more bar fights to come.

2004-12-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

classes are over...finally. time to rock out with my cock out while hittin' the bottle. and oh yeah, christmas is around the corner..and i haven't bought anything yet..that sucks....but i promise a better blog is coming soon.

2004-12-02T09:22:00.000-05:00

spray tan=orange, peeling skin.
don't do it, unless you wanna look like jennifer lopez and michael jackson's love child...mixed with a burn victim.
and those bitches at the tanning salon said that i wouldn't turn orange....vengeance will be paid.

2004-11-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

as i was at walmart the other day staring at an Easy Bake Oven that was on clearance for $8.87, it was then that i realized why i can't cook. my parents deprived me of the girly joy of baking nasty food in a little pink oven. and i was shocked to see how cheap it was. i almost bought it, because i thought that a late start would be better than nothing, but, i wouldn't want to be "that guy" buying an Easy Bake Oven and then going home to actually use it. i know that this little oven wouldn't have had an impact on how i cook a thanksgiving turkey, or lasagna, because the only thing that you could cook in those were little cakes, brownies, or cupcakes....but i could have been a master at that. maybe that could have led to my success as a wedding cake baker. damn it! my whole life is now ruined because i never got an Easy Bake Oven as a child. thanks mom and dad, you have condemned me to a life of ordering fast food because i can't cook, and that will eventually result in a double chin....the really gross one like Don Vito. i might as well go and buy that hot dog cart right now and sit on a new york side street.

2004-11-18T09:24:00.000-05:00

some days i just want to dive into a big bowl of lucky charms....mmmm...marshmallows....mmmm....leprechauns.

but i am always left wondering, "where's me pot-o-gold, you fucking little twat?"

2004-10-26T09:23:00.000-04:00

things on my list that rock: (because i have nothing else to write about at this moment)
1. Team America: World Police. fuckin' love it. if you haven't seen this already, i advise you do so. great acting, and i think we have found our next jenna jameson and ron jeremy...except with strings attached to them.
2. haunted houses. halloween is my favorite fucking holiday...i am ready to get the shit scared out of me from some cheesy, hillbilly production.
3. it's really sweet when you get to witness a guy try and wax his own chest. that was some damn good entertainment.
4. i think i am still caught up on number 3. i just might piss myself.

2004-10-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

laguna beach. a new reality tv show on mtv that follows around rich, spoiled, dumb ass high school kids. i really don't care to see them whine and bitch about driving an old range rover when they want to be sporting a lexus. get over the fact that your parents provide everything for you and you throw away their money like week old trash. so, you have the chance to go to fashion shows and live on an expensive beach. this does not make you who you are. look at me, i am from ortonville and i manage to still have all of my teeth...just because i came from a town that sounds like it harvests in-bred NRA members, does not mean that i am lacking a chromosome or two. laguna beach sounds nice and all, but when you think about it, any location with the word "beach" is going to house shallow, conceited, dumb ass mother fuckers. and, we definitely don't need a tv shows elaborating on how self-centered these people are. i could go to rochester to see that.

2004-10-05T09:19:00.000-04:00

so, tailgating this past weekend was a success...but i did find something to bitch about. no surprise there. it's 8 in the morning, and some girls find it necessary to dress like it's their birthday. not to mention its 35 degrees outside. i think i should make a handbook for dummies about the rules of tailgating. here it goes:
1. you do not need to shower and primp before tailgating. by the time everyone leaves, they will all be drunk and think that you look stunning no matter what.
2. do not wear a skirt. especially if you are dancing on the tailgate of a truck. enough said.
3. high heels are not necessary. i am sure that they really compliment the color of the port-a-potties when you are squatting and taking a piss.
4. your louis vuitton purse can stay at home. no one cares that you dropped an un-godly amount of cash on your fucking purse. if you can't crack the top and drink it, it's worthless to us tailgaters.
5. take advantage of the free food. hot dogs are given out all the time, so feel free to take one to help soak up all of that alcohol. don't worry, you won't get fat from one single hot dog, but you will, however, because you drank a whole 12-pack to yourself.

with this guide, i think that i can improve the conditions of tailgating. and if i see any more dumb ass girls looking like they are going to the club at 8 in the morning when i probably haven't even brushed my teeth yet, i think i am going to vomit on myself. wear a sweatshirt and jeans like the rest of us, and maybe i won't look at you weird and have to write another post in my blog about your gay ass.

2004-09-30T09:24:00.000-04:00

one of my pet peeves are those people that do not look in any direction before crossing the road. i know this is a college campus and all, and people have the right of way, but for god's sake, please look both ways before crossing the street. a guy just did this the other day in front of me. now, i know that if you get hit by a car on campus, you get free tuition as long as you go to the university, so maybe that's the motive behind it. but, i would much rather not have your body imprint on my car. but, if you would like me to, i could run your ass over and fix that popped up collar on the pavement. and speaking of popped up collars, that's a no. it just looks like you got dressed in the dark, and without a mirror. but if you still think that it looks cool, then you should be sporting some molester sun glasses, huge side burns, a white van with no windows and a cage in the back, and some cookies to lure in small children.

2004-09-29T19:39:00.000-04:00

motherfuckers in mount pleasant are crazy. for those of you who haven't seen Mission, it's a 5 lane road. well, all of those crazy, toothless geriatrics around here like to be evil kenievel and zoom across 5 busy lanes of traffic in their little powered wheel chairs. they must have a death wish, or an obsession for running in the road like squirrels. those wheel chairs don't move very fast compared to a Honda. and, there is also a blind man that wanders around the streets. okay, how fucking ludicrous is that? he has a sight stick and everything, but i doubt that sight stick is going to see a pick up coming straight at him. i know i am going to hell for this, but i just think that people in mount pleasant are fucking nuts. if you have a handicap, please stay home or in a designated area. by all means, don't go out and and throw a block party in the middle of the highway.

2004-09-27T17:36:00.000-04:00

so, this happened about a week or two ago, but i haven't been able to write about it because my internet sucks. some kid tried killing himself at central. this may seem like it's going to be a sad and un-entertaining post, but just wait. i know i shouldn't make fun of people, but when a guy has an unbearable craving for his forehead, then it gets amusing. that's right, he tried killing himself by stabbing his own head with a fork. repeatedly. this kid was sitting in the dining commons when he decided to go all hannibal lechter. there are a few things that are going to come out of this event:
1. a killer headache
2. the result to plastic silverware in the cafeteria.
3. that guy never having friends, because they will all live in fear that he will mistake their heads for a Thanksgiving feast.

on a lighter note, i did part-take in some of the drunken festivities at CMU. on saturday it seemed like a great idea to jell-o wrestle. there's a first time for everything, so why the hell not. my feet are stained pink, but it is just a good reminder that my saturday night kicked ass.

2004-08-25T00:17:00.000-04:00

don't try to put off the inevitable. when something is going to happen, and you know it, you might as well sit back and take it. like if you date a stripper, it's inevitable that you are going to get crabs. or like if you buy a white bathing suit, it's inevitable that when you get it wet it will become transparent. so, when something is going to happen, you can either kick and scream until it's over with, take it down with a spoon full of sugar, or just go ahead and wear saran wrap to the beach to just make it clear that you enjoy see-through bathing suits.

2004-08-21T15:38:00.000-04:00

what does "original flavor" actually mean? i am staring at a box of wheat thins that are "original flavor." in america, this usually means plain, but when we step outside of our boundaries, this could mean something totally different. in japan, "original flavor" could be dog. or wherever they eat dogs, that could be the code name for original. at a sleaze bag chinese buffet, "original flavor" chicken could be cat. because we all know that some of the stuff produced by sleazy chinese buffets could very well be the house cat that you've been missing for weeks. or, in a cannibalistic neighborhood, "original flavor" could be that of children's fingers, or kneecaps. some things really make me think. and with this completely ridiculous un-entertaining post, i will send along a promise that i will talk about something worth while soon.

2004-07-23T23:35:00.000-04:00

While i was watching inside edition this evening, there was a story about a little boy who was struck by lightning and he surprisingly lived. he was wearing a shirt that read, "God has bigger plans for me." after reading this, i instantly thought, "yeah, like being hit by a truck." is that bad? with this post, i think i am going to hell, sorry kid.

2004-07-02T20:02:00.000-04:00

some days i get the feeling that god truly hates me. not only does he put me on this earth to be completely clueless about what i am to do with my life, he has to throw some curve balls in there. lately i cannot catch a break with anything. i try to play the game by the rules, but i always lose. i am surprised that god didnt bless me with 11 fingers or 17 nipples just to watch me flail while i try and fit in on the playground. in this case, i would much rather have 17 nipples, because you can always have those extra 15 removed. or i could be a really good circus freak. i don't know if i really believe that everything is supposed to happen for a reason. lately, i don't know what the reasons would be to getting fucked over. just for one example, what's the reason for a supposed "friend" of mine fucking me over for 3 thousand dollars? i would really like to know that one. if anyone comes up with an answer, i will send you a fucking fruit basket.

2004-07-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

sitting at the radio station doing what i do is very boring. i "volunteer" my time one day a week for 3 hours, and i only get to actually be on the air for 18 munites out of those 3 hours. this is how the school gets you. you need co-curricular activities to put on your resume that go along with your major, and if you don't have any, then you suck...a lot. so, i am really not learning anything, nor doing much, but yet i can still put this on a resume, and look like i am qualified to do somehting. yaay. my computer back at my place isn't working so i am quickly posting something. i just want note that alanis morisette is engaged to ryan reynolds (van wilder). is he nuts? as far as i knew, she hated men, and i am surprised that she hasn't slit his throat in his sleep. it's nuts.

2004-06-21T23:07:00.000-04:00

i know it's been said before, but reality tv has really wore itself out. some of these titles really make me think. there's "who wants to marry my dad," "paradise hotel," "average joe," and others along those lines. if some of the show titles were changed to "who wants to marry my toothless uncle fester," or "fleabag motel" i don't think that too many people would apply to be on them. but what's the difference anyway? it's all the same. people sell themselves out to be on tv and fall in love with someone that they have known for a month or so. and for what? they win a prize? who the fuck cares. you just embarassed yourself in front of millions and preached about how you fell in love with bob or andrew (the bachelor for those of you who live under a rock). so, no prize could compensate for my humiliaiton that i objected myself to. and becoming the new bachelorette would not help to ease the pain of me being a dumbass and falling in love with a gump named bob guiney. if this really was reality tv, the shows would be much more realistic. here are some of my versions of some reality tv shows and the real prizes that someone could win.
1. "who wants to be my baby's daddy?" many men, or not, compete to care for a trashy girl and her seven children that she has no idea who they belong to. the winner, if the guys even stick around this long, gets a cheap apartment in the projects and a case of malt liquor.
2. "the frat brother." (a take off of the bachelor) a frat brother gets to go on dates with ten chosen sorority girls. dates include: throwing empty kegs off of the frat house roof, games of scrabble with obscene words, and a pizza and beer chug relay. the frat brother chooses one girl that he will spend 4 nights with, until the slutty sorority chick finds someone new. what does he win? herpes.
3. "afro island." this show documents a bunch of white people who are dropped off at an island full of african americans. (let me say here that i am not racist, mmmkay?) the white people need to try and keep their "cracker-ness" and not turn into a total eminem. those who manage to keep their pants above their ass crack and listen to country by the end of the voyage, win the ultimate prize. the white people win: (for ratings and humor benfits) a slap in the face by rick james, a full night of lil john saying "okay," "yeah," and "what" right in their ear, and a fifth of hennessy. if they are still white after that, god bless them.
with minor changes to the reality tv line up, i think some of these new reality tv shows will portray reality well. if you have any good ideas for tv shows, leave them in my comment section. maybe if there are enough ideas, we could send them to FOX and CBS and see if any get picked up for next season.

2004-06-18T18:15:00.000-04:00

i haven't been to the bar to go dancing in a while. i had forgotten how some of the girls dress and what drunk people really look like when you are sober. now that i work at a bar, i observed some outfits/behavior last night. first, all of the girls dressed the exact same way. they all looked as if they walked straight out of the pages of an abercrombie quarterly magazine. they all wore frilly little (i mean LITTLE) spring colored skirts and tank tops. now, don't get me wrong, they all looked cute, but they also looked like they were mass produced. now, when a skirt is so low that it barely covers the start of your butt crack, and it's so short that you see their outer labia hanging out of the bottom, it's time to either a)buy a bigger skirt, or b)buy a skirt with more fabric to it. everyone at the club has seen what a naked female looks like, so we don't need further anatomy lessons by seeing your lack of clothing that you wear to go out. now drunk people are really funny when you are really sober. don't try to buy alcohol when you still have red "X's" on your hands. if you are too drunk when you got there to realize that "X" means no, and you think that you might trick someone into selling you alcohol, then you are obviously too plastered to consume another beverage. and i have to hand it to the white guys for the "worst dancing ever" award. alcohol definitely does not increase your ability to wang chung, so don't even try it. and finally, girls with enormous breasts, please use support before entering the dance floor. a simple nipple tassle is not going to hold up your huge rack. when you go and bust a move, your tits decide to bust out of your top. your dancing isn't pretty and neither are your stretch-marked udders.

one final note: i did see a pair of fake boobs last night. first, they looked like a crappy tit job, because breasts aren't supposed to look like snow cones, and second, you can tell they are fake when the girl is dancing and moving but her breasts are not. dead giveaway.

2004-06-14T22:02:00.000-04:00

i had a terrible dream last night....i mean treacherous. it went something like this. as far as i remember, i was in my kitchen with my mother and we were talking about how i should break up with my boyfriend, donald trump. i am not kidding, this guy was in my dream. first of all, i have no real life infatuation with him, so i don't know how he invaded my dream. second, i didn't think that subconciously i was that big of a gold digger to actually even think about dating donald trump. and for some reason, the term "blow job queen" was used in the same dream...don't ask me why or how, but i was stunned. this dream was so disturbing, that i had to wake up and vomit. well, not vomit, but i probably could have if i tried. but aside from my dream, i was thinking today where i might be in ten years. then it hit me, i know exactly where i will be. i will own a hot dog stand that i will parade on a busy new york side street, while being followed by a litter of homeless kittens. that just gives me so much to look forward to, and know that my shitty central degree will serve as something...a napkin for my cola. where will you be in ten years?

2004-06-11T00:04:00.000-04:00

while i was watching my 10 minute fill of the pistons game, i realized that we have an official backstreet boy on our team. i don't know his name, but i do think that he is number 31. what a panzy. he has bleach blonde hair, along with gaged ear lobes. while all of the other guys on the team are big, black, and tough, number 31 is sitting on the bench, humming along to "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)."

2004-06-07T20:47:00.000-04:00

well, much to my surprise, or not, jennifer lopez was married once again on saturday. i may be the last person in the world to find out, but i think it's crazy that she had broke off her wedding plans not 6 months before her marraige to marc anthony. and not to mention that marc anthony was divorced from his wife for less than a week. does this strike anyone else as not normal? this just goes to further prove my point that marraige these days is a joke, and as kitty foreman has said on that 70's show, "you people change partners more than square dancers." everyone knew it was coming, too. it's not every day that a man gives you a multi-million dollar ring just for shits and giggles. you you know marc anthony was gonna nail her. all of the celebrities are happy for her and saying that this may be her soulmate. did they forget that she supposedy had 2 other "soulmates" before this that she married? well, j.lo is just going to call off this marraige like all of the others, and find another hollywood loser to date. my bet is that she is going to start seeing that guy who played the sherminator in the american pie flicks. he seems loser enough right up there with ben affleck. oh...and what day is it? well, it's 6 more days until you petofiles can get your grubby, jerk-off infested hands legally on the olson twins. maybe until then, you can watch all of the seasons of full house, and remind yourself of how gross you are. or, you can go and see their new movie and feel like less of a perv. but i doubt it.

2004-06-04T20:29:00.000-04:00

the praying mantis. this creature is very intriguing for the fact that it has a strange after mating ritual. for those of you who don't know, the female praying mantis bites off the head of the male after they are done humping. if people did this, i think it would make things a lot easier. not necessarily the female biting off the male's head, but vice versa as well. if people could have a one night stand with someone, and then simply bite off their partner's head after the deed is done, then you wouldn't have to worry about calling them a week later out of sympathy. and as for those crabs that you got, your partner would have already been taken care of, so there is no need to seek revenge. it goes with the old saying, "wham, bam, thank you ma'am, now i am going to eat your head." this may seem like a joke, but sex is already considered a joke, anyway. no one takes it seriously anymore, so we might as well humiliate ourselves by trying to bite off someone's head. i think that animals have it right when it comes to mating. most of them just romp around, have sex with anything that has 4 legs, and they call it a day. there is no whining, or turning off the lights when it comes time to do it. they just do what needs to be done, either for pleasure, or for the sake of reproduction. i know that male lions are not only the king of the jungle, but they are players, too. they have sex multiple times a day, and they go through women like toilet paper. but as for penguins, they have to break the animal mating mold. these animals spend their whole life looking for the right mate, and when they find it, they stick with them forever. wow. that's one animal that has seen romeo and juliette one too many times. they are still caught up in the fact that true love actually exists and they have jessica simpson as a role model. no sex 'till marraige. those hopeful romantics need to be sent to the ghetto and look at all of those broken homes, and listen to the stories about how baby daddys left single mothers for white trash teenage girls. then, we'll see if they wait around for their soulmate, or hop on the next best thing and get down to business.

2004-05-31T22:53:00.000-04:00

psychics aren't always right. people choose to belive what they wish and leave the parts that they don't like. when a psychic says that you are going to suffer a terrible heroin addiction, but while you are in rehab you are going to meet your soulmate all at the age of 22, and then you are going to adopt a black dog and but die from cancer, you choose to hear what you want. your version is: you are going to meet the person of your dreams at 22 and live in a little house on the prarie and own a dog. and dying from cancer is a given...unfortunately, i think that everyone is going to have cancer whether they like it or not. psychics are people who have no control over their own life, so they choose to make up some crazy shit to occupy others. if i was a psychic, as soon as someone entered my little enchanted space and i decided that i didn't like them, i would make up some crazy shit. if a supermodel came to get a psychic reading from me, i would say that she better eat 4,000 calories a day, because she is going to lose her modeling job soon anyway, and she is going to grow old and become a cat lady, and obviously cats don't care what people look like. i would also tell her to give me an extra $20 because she would either gamble it away or use it to blow down a line of coke. psychics are shit. do you remember miss cleo? well, if you do, then she made a lasting impression with her shitty jamaican accent and those ridiculous tarot cards. if you really want a card reading, come to my house and i will shuffle a deck for you. we'll see how crazy things can get. and just for fun, if a guy came around to get a reading from me, i would tell him that he would have the opportunity to have a threesome with the hilton sisters, but due to the fact that he would have lost his penis in a terrible cooking accident, that would make him ineligible. i think from then on he would steer clear of women named lorraina...bobbit. just to see a guy wince at the fact that someday he might lose his penis is the reason i wake up everyday. i am a bitch...sweet. but there is one guy out there that has already theoretically lost his penis and his name will not be released...but his girlfiend knows who i am talking about...yaay jen.

2004-05-26T22:52:00.000-04:00

i have nothing really to say tonight, but i will leave you with some words of wisdom: DON'T BE A DOUCHE. thank you for your time. any other words of wisdom that i may have forgotten can be left in my comment section. goodnight.

2004-05-25T18:05:00.000-04:00

gay. gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. i don't think anything is wrong with the word or lifestyle. i don't know why some people are so homophobic and opposed to gay activities such as marriage, dating, and other stuff that involves 2 people of the same sex. guys especially are homophobes. do you really think that a guy who is gay is going to hit on your smelly, un-showered, vagina-loving ass? no. gay men go for other gay men because they know that they probably don't have any illegitimate children, and at least they shower once every couple of days. guys who get a seductive look from another male at the club, or out in public, automatically think that the other man is gay. are you forgetting that men slap eachother on the ass in sports, and that's not considered flirting, is it? what the hell? but, guys who are straight want to see 2 girls make out? wait...what happened to being homophobic? oh yeah, girls have a vagina and that makes it okay. what the fuck is wrong with you guys? being gay is a new trend, and i am sure it will fade out just as quickly as it appeared, (i am thinking something along the lines of trucker hats....really hot for a while, and then you remember that old perverted men actually wear them daily to drive furniture across the country...not so hot anymore.) but until it goes "out of style", i wish people would stop being so close-minded. guys should take some tips from homos, it would do them good. hell, i need to take some tips from homos, like how to cook good, re-arrange my living room, and how to iron clothes to perfection. i'm straight, but i don't see anything wrong with being gay. i guarantee that someday i will be so fed up with men, that it will force me to be a lezbo. and when i am fed up with women, i will officially become a cat lady. being gay is A-okay...there's my slogan. the only thing i don't like about gay men, is when they are bigger bitches than i am. that's when they need to sip on some wine, watch "a dating story" on TLC and calm the fuck down.

2004-05-24T18:58:00.000-04:00

due to a special topic request, i am going to voice my opinion about getting married at the age of 20. well, my first thought is, NO NO NO. 20 is way too young to settle down with one person for the rest of your life. there are so many people out there that you haven't seen naked yet, and you might as well do that before committing to see one person naked for the rest of your life. but, lets be realistic here, aside from the nakedness, there are other aspects that need to be taken into consideration. (i know, what could possibly be more important than nakedness?) you have to think about insurance, careers, genetics...yes, i said genetics. you need to look at your "supposed" in laws to see what your "spouse" has to look forward to. an inevitable beer gut? extreme balding? tooth loss? and that's just the women in some cases. at the age of 20, people need to be going out at night, traveling, and making out with as many guys/girls (or both) as possible. but on the lighter side of the subject, if you get married at 20 and think it's not for you, it's not like 52% of our country's marriages don't end up in divorce, anyway. no matter what my opinion is, people are always going to make a decision for themselves. so instead of ranting that getting married at 20 is a no no, i will just finish up with some things to keep in mind if you decide that you want to go through with the hell-ish procedure.
1. before getting married, don't look at how glorious the wedding will be. instead, look at how ugly the divorce process will be. that's the more likely ending.
2. do not have children. get a dog or 2 instead.
3. make sure you or your spouse-to-be's insurance covers everything. especially for when you get into a domestic dispute and beat the hell out of eachother.
4. make sure that your spouse-to-be has nice things. when you get divorced, you can get half.
5. don't wait until you are married to lose your virginity. if you don't like the way your spouse looks naked, then that was one expensive mistake.
well, there are only a couple of men that i would suggest marrying at the age of 20. if you can get your hands on them, they would be:
1. hugh hefner...he is more than likely going to kick the bucket soon.
2. that guy that anna nicole married...oh wait, he already died.
well, marriage at 20, or even 25 is very young. i still like to play with barbies, and i don't think that i would be able to explain to my spouse why we need to take weekly trips to toys-r-us, (they have a HUGE barbie kingdom there!) getting married takes all of the fun out of getting trashed and waking up next to someone whom you don't even know their name, but you know them by what they were drinking the night before. instead, you continually wake up next to your husband/wife...bummer.

2004-05-23T16:34:00.000-04:00

dumbest movie ever...house of the dead. hands down, the gayest thing i have seen in a long time. (well, since i saw this guys wang in 10th grade. i won't reveal his name just to avoid his humiliation. okay, his name started with an "m" and ended with "ike b------". i haven't heard about that kid in a long time, so i think it's safe to say that his prize possesion is definitely a work of art...a minimal, small, microscopic work of art.) anyway, this movie is a poor combination of michael jackson's "thriller" video and a video game. i would caution you not to watch it if you are epileptic or you get motion sickness easily. this movie is terrible because:
1. no one wears bras. i thought that went out in the 70's.
2. i didn't know that zombies could swim.
3. people were shooting the zombies and killing them. but, how do you kill something that's already dead?
4. this asian chick is wearing a gladiator red, white and blue jumpsuit. terrible.
5. a bunch of kids go to an island called "island of the dead" for a rave. would you go to an island of that name for a fucking rave? might as well go to leather face's place for a haunted house.
whoever wrote this script should be condemned to watching this movie, and only this movie, for the rest of their life. poor bastard.

2004-05-22T22:25:00.000-04:00

okay, i know that the "everytime" video by britney has been out for a while, but i think it's time for me to comment on it. i don't really know what the purpose of this video is, but if it's to get us "normal" people to feel sorry for her because she's famous, she can eat a twat. i will never feel sorry for her. this video makes it seem like she has the most stressed out life and the only answer to the chaos is death. i refuse to feel sorry for her because she is in shape, pretty, famous, rich and can date just about anyone she wants. she has even boned justin timberlake...now i personally wouldn't, but i would like to see him naked. at least it's better than a backstreet boy...they are the REAL homos...what is paris thinking...backstreet's NOT back, alright? this video is a poor excuse for britney to get naked and jump into a bath tub and bleed strangely from the head from an unknown cause. next time she makes a video, it better to not have her in it at all, that would be the best. and she should actually learn how to sing and not croak like a frog. that would be my advice.
on a different subject, new found glory's catalyst album is pretty sweet. i am thankful that i was introduced to nfg a few years ago, because they have some good tunes. "sonny" is still my favorite, but the new song, "i don't wanna know" is cool too. my second piece of advice is to listen to the album and make a decision for yourself. some of the little phrases in their songs just really get me...i fuckin' love it.

2004-05-20T15:50:00.000-04:00

ahhh. long time, no blog. sorry, my computer is kinda screwed. or maybe it's the fact that i really have nothing to comment on right now. all i have to say is that mount pleasant is going to suck this summer and the only friend i have up here is my kitty that looks like a sea monkey.
...i promise to write a good, tasteless, and shockingly offensive entry soon.

2004-05-06T11:34:00.000-04:00

what's going on when i see couples walking down the sidewalk, and the girl is so much bigger than the guy? it's fairly odd to see, but i just kind of wonder. i know that girls like larger guys for the protection aspect, but what is a large woman going to do for a small guy? eat an intruder? she would totally dominate him anyway, either in bed, at a restaraunt, or wherever. and what is supposed to happen when the bride is supposed to be carried over the threshold on her wedding day? the groom will either have to tote her behind in a wagon, or push her in on a dolly. how embarassing. my advice: date fat girls until you visit the gym and bulk up so you can defend yourself, and then break up with her because she smells like sausage or something. then, go lookin' for somebody else. i know that i sound so mean, but larger people can be nice....but it isn't so nice when they have leftovers spoiling in her neck crease. ewww.

2004-05-03T21:52:00.000-04:00

so, i am going to talk about one of my guilty pleasures....watching The Swan. yes, i know reality t.v. has wore itself out, but i just can't peel myself away from it. i think that The Swan is a great television show. it allows women to cry about how unhappy they are with themselves and blame everyone else for their insecurities. i think that plasic surgery for these women is a great idea. if being jabbed by a needle to suck out all of those cheeseburgers, and being cut and sculpted by a swiss army knife makes them feel better about themselves, then let them do it. and if they aren't happy with the way that they look, they can cram a twinkie down their throat and quickly calm themselves. so, if you aren't happy with your appearance and you think that you are ass ugly, apply to be on a reality makeover show...its not like there won't be anymore airing on t.v. anytime soon. god bless plastic surgeons...they transform people from hit to hot.

2004-04-27T22:50:00.000-04:00

let's think about this...persay you were a fish sandwich at mcdonalds. a large size coke comes along and figures it would be better off with the big mac rather than your shitty single fillet of fish between 2 fat buns...would you still wish to be with the coke? or how about that nursery rhyme when the fork ran off with the spoon? or some shit like that. what if you were the knife? would you feel betrayed or left out? the best thing to do in this type of situation is to run off with a spork in rebellion. i have a hidden point in this, that i am trying to convey well, but it's going terribly wrong. when the coke or the fork do something that is completely undesirable, and then try to make things right, like becoming an extra value fish fillet meal, or a complete set of silverware, no one should agree to that. never settle for second best. but it's suprising how some people will settle for the second hand. when things go wrong the first time, don't short change yourself. don't think that things will get better after the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th times things go wrong again. if you are that fish fillet sandwich, tell the coke to fuck off and have a good time producing high calorie children with the big mac daddy. and if you are the knife, settle for a more violent approach...cut them bitches! you're a fucking knife. if the fork and the spoon do you wrong, it is in your genes to cut them. but instead, the fish fillets continue to want to be with the cokes, and the knifes want to be with the spoons. if they had any eyes, they should open them and pull their heads out of their asses (if they had those, too).
this makes no sense, and i realize that, but i am still going to publish it. it has a point, a very hidden, fucked up point, but a point none the less. and if you are that fish fillet, or that dull knife, it would be best that you live in a hole for the rest of your life and become a hermit.

2004-04-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

mark my words everyone, if i ever have a little girl someday, i am definitely going to not let her dress like a hooker. nowadays, i see little girls walking around on the street like they are trying to sell themselves. i don't even dress that skeazy and i am 20...let alone little girls at the age of 9 showing more skin then i ever have. thanks to britney spears, little girls think that they can glue on some little plastic rhinestones to their naked bodies, call it an outfit, and wander off to third grade. okay, when someone is carrying a powerpuff girls lunchbox, they really don't need to be wearing skeazy shit. and paris hilton was quoted in FHM magazine saying that she hopes she has a little girl someday so she can dress her daughter like herself. the world is going to end when this happens. but, we all know this won't happen for a while because paris isn't done fucking everyone on the planet...4 legged mammals included...and possibly anything that walks upright. anyway, when i see little girls wearing skirts that don't even cover thier ass, and halter tops that are close to revealing their mosquito bite boobies, i feel like a perv for looking. it's at that moment when i cover up my own private parts in embarassment and see the mother of these girls. now, it's no wonder why little girls dress like little sluts. they are a complete replica of thier mother. my advice to those mothers: do not dress your little girl like she has to go out on the street and work herself to pay for the rent and your coke addiction. when i get older and possibly have children, i am going to dress them in snow suits everyday so that none of their skin is showing...and so there is no "easy access" to my little 8 year old girl. goddamn perverts.

2004-04-23T00:21:00.000-04:00

you know the world is coming to an end when you see ben affleck on the cover of rolling stone. now, i know that this issue has been out for a while, but i do not have a subscription to the magazine, and i just caught a glimpse of the cover. what is with the editors at rolling stone? cool people used to be on the cover. i thought that this magazine was about "popular culture"...so what the hell is ben affleck doing on the cover? he isn't cool anymore. i think after armageddon he should have stopped making movies...and the only reason this one didn't suck was because good old bruce willis was in it. other people to grace the cover of rolling stone that should be condemned to a lifetime of tiger beat magazine are: the olson twins, clay aiken, and the spice girls. now, i know that these people are all famous, but i do not think that they should be on the cover of rolling stone. first, the olson twins are attractive, rich, and smart, yes. but when you remember watching them on full house, then you are too damn old to hit it. face it, they have too much money to actually hang out and have a threesome with you...get over it. they aren't even 18 yet, so you would definitely go to jail. the next best thing in jail to the olson twins are the molson twins...and no, these are not hot girls in bikini's representing molson canadian...these are 2 fat bald burly guys rubbed down in grease who like to think their best friends are the coors light twins. alright, clay aiken...does anyone else realize that he DIDN'T win american idol? ruben could eat him for a late night snack, and he is prancing around here like everyone actually likes him. is it just me or does he look like the mad tv character? and does anyone else think it's creepy that his song "invisible" has a lyric: "if i was invisible, i could just watch you in your room." but how would i know this? i don't listen to that shit...but if he thought that he was invisible and wanted to watch me in my room, i would pimp slap that little leather pant wearing bitch. and ahh, the spice girls. i once thought that they had the coolest cd ever...and now all they have are stretch marks from all of the children that they've had. well, to conclude this useless column, rolling stone should start putting cool people on their cover. or, at least people that have more than $3 in their bank account. after gigli, you know ben is broke, clay is a perv, which is validated with his "invisible" song, and the spice girls are now non-existent. (i know the olsons are worth more than i will ever be, so i won't mention anything.) who's gonna be next on the cover of rolling stone? backstreet boys? gary coleman? or how about donald trump...he is such a cutie...and so is that little dog that he wears on his head that tries to pass it off as a hair piece.

2004-04-20T23:02:00.000-04:00

i have nothing else to write about tonight, so here i bring you the top ten reasons why i suck:
10. freshman year, 2nd semester i only skipped 2 whole classes...i am not kidding.
9. i have passed out with a spoon in hand while eating easy mac...minus the cheese, but with cheeze-its...don't ask, it seemed like a good idea at the time
8. i can never guess who is a transvestite and who isn't on those special episodes of Maury
7. i can only do a keg stand for about 7 seconds and then my eyes water...and i go to Central for fuck's sake
6. i always wear mis-matched socks
5. i love to play with sidewalk chalk...and draw immature, obscene pictures
4. i watch American Idol...enough said
3. ramen noodles are not my favorite food, eventhough i am a college kid
2. i once threw up red jello shots all over the only pair of khakis that i owned (this was the only time that i threw up) and passed out in my underwear in my closet...and in the bathroom and my friend swung open the door and nailed me in the head...it was a rough night.
and the #1 reason:
...i still can't get rid of my Hanson CD. you heard correct...please don't beat me in an alley...

if any of you have the same occurrences as mine, let me know...i would love to hear that i am not the only sarcastic, pathetic, asshole loser in this world. well, besides pauly shore.

i know it's 4/20, so here's my little bit...if anyone needs a living example that drugs/alcohol is bad for you, it's got to be robert downey jr. here's a quote of his for fun: "i don't drink these days. i am allergic to alcohol and narcotics, i break out in handcuffs." hahaha. so, if you aren't toking up right now, i hope you enjoyed that.

2004-04-19T23:17:00.000-04:00

this entry is dedicated to all of you people that eat, breathe, and sleep abercrombie. you people need to understand that this is NOT a lifestyle. now, i do own crombie apparrel...but not everything i own has the ridiculous "abercrombie&fitch" tag. i do like to make regular trips to the salvation army. but, everyone realizes that they are paying for that little tag they put on everything, right? that little tag costs $30 while the actual shirt costs $4. and for you ladies out there, don't try to date a crombie guy....they are destined to be the next richard simmons. or even the next elton john...minus the talent. i have seen up close and personal the personalities of those guys (fairies) who worship the crombie moose. i once asked the guy i was dating why he wears everything abercrombie, and he replied, "its one-stop shopping." so is meijer, so what's his fucking point? soon after that, he frosted his hair (women do that) and he checked it in the car mirror more than i did. bottom line, crombie guys make better shopping partners or interior decorators than potential boyfriends. i should write a book, a really short one so i can keep the crombie guy's attention, about how to de-crombify themselves. here's a short list/synopsis:
five simple ways to give up that fake image of popularity that we encorporate with the head of a moose...
5. don't take more than one shower a day unless completely necessary. if you are a construction worker, then this is allowed..but not if you dress up like one to go to the YMCA.
4. go to Marshalls, or Target, or even the salvation army to buy something. so what if it's been worn before, or it doesn't cost $35? give those asian children a break from sewing those stupid A&F tags on clothes and go buy some other brand.
3. get a real job. nobody can work at abercrombie forever. quite frankly, when you reach an age that doesn't resemble that of a teenage supermodel, they are going to fire you anyway. that is, if they ever hired you in the first place. they like those people that look good in their clothes and like to work 6 hours a week. (yeah, i worked there...i needed a summer job when i came home from college and i needed something. thank god i didn't get sucked into the lifestyle.)
2. girls, buy clothes that cover your navel and your ass. no matter what anyone says, butt crack IS NEVER in. not even on beyonce. guys, buy shirts that aren't cut off at the arms and pants/shorts that aren't camoflauge. you are not going to try and shoot a deer while playing volleyball at the beach, so their is no need for either.
1. think about it. if you work there, you are working for a $6 an hour paycheck, and when you shop there religously, you are worshiping a company that is recognized by the head of a moose. a head of a moose that has hockey sticks and roller blades hanging off of his antlers...how is the poor moose going to use them if he doesn't even have legs? you support all of the porn stars that they hire to make their quarterly catalogs . you support the change in sexual orientation that the male crombie employees will eventually have. i have no problem with homosexual males, but when i date them, i do. just sit back and think about it. it's really not that important to wear 5 polo shirts under a sweater and have them all compliment each other in color. it's not that important to wear crombie underwear when they hang on your ass, anyway. it is important, however, to realize that if you continue working at abercrombie, you will grow up to make useless workout videos like richard simmons, suzanne sommers or chuck norris. they obviously need good looking people to promote the thigh master or bowflex, right?

2004-04-19T00:08:00.000-04:00

this is a true story....
A man walked into the corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the money from the cash register. After the cashier put the money in the bag as instructed, the man demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. The cashier refused to hand over the Scotch because he did not believe the man was 21. The robber swore he was, but still the clerk refused. Finally, the robber handed over his ID and proved that he was indeed twenty-one. As soon as he left, the cashier called and gave the police the name and address of the man who had just robbed the store. The suspect was arrested two hours later.

how dumb is this guy? now everything dumb that i ever did can be justified by this dumb mother fucker's stunt. hahaha...fucking loser.

2004-04-19T00:02:00.000-04:00

i definitely drank a lot of beer this weekend, and i can feel the neck crease forming. it won't be too long before i can catch my dinner leftovers in my crease and save them for an after dinner snack. soon to follow with the neck crease is my double chin and thunder thighs. before i know it i will have a stable career working as head manager at Kentucky Fried Chicken. who needs to pack their lunch in a lunchbox when they can shove a sandwich or two in their gut roll? the only good thing about being large, is that your tits grow to be huge...but what use are they when they hang down to your belly button? well, that is when you can find your belly button to begin with. i think when you have double chins growing off of your double chins and they are multiplying like rabbits, its time to put down the twinkie and personal deep dish pizza. when you realize that you have sprouted cankles, (when the width of your calf pretty much goes down into your shoes and you don't have ankles anymore), you need to consider not eating at all. now, i am NOT stressing for anyone to become anorexic or anything. i DO NOT think that everyone has to look like Heidi Klum, but when you look more like Mimi from the the Drew Carey Show or you resemble the Michelin tire man, you need to reconsider what you are doing. when someone wants to lose weight, a good snack to eat would be an apple, not the whole fuckin' tree. so, in the next week to come i might not want to drink as much beer...eventhough it IS technincally liquid bread. i don't want to see my life flash before my eyes and realize that i am working at Burger King and my two best friends are mr. whopper and ms. steel reserve. ewww.

2004-04-17T07:26:00.000-04:00

so, it's 4 in the morning and i just witnessed a guy peeing in a window. who does that? see, earlier today i noticed that this guy's bedroom window had the screen popped out of it, and he has a lower-level bedroom. i had mentioned that it would be really easy to climb in his room because his window was wide open. now, that it's 4 a.m., and i having my second wind from passing out drunk earlier, i was woke up by the godly sound of someone tinkling nearby. so, i looked out the window to see a drunk guy whizzing away at the same open window that i had noticed earlier today. now, that guy has probably shut his window, but persay he didn't...he is going to wake up to one warm, sweet suprise. let me tell you guys why this is cool. first, peeing anywhere is a semi public/public place rocks. some call it indecent exposure, i call it "i had to pee really bad, now quit staring at me." i, personally, have peed in a bar parking lot while gripping myself between 2 cars. why was i peeing inthe parking lot to begin with, you ask? well, i was too lit to actually get into the bar...bastards. the second reason why this rocks is because it's so damn funny to witness. whenever i see someone peeing in public, i can't help but stare. i giggle like a school girl and point my finger. thirdly, peeing is a relaxing process, and sharing that relaxing feeling with others is the least selfish thing you can do. now, i am going to tell you why this sucks...i just realized that my bedroom is on the bottom floor and some drunken ass could be urinating in my window. this is a classic example that things are only funny until they happen to you...i better go and grab a baseball bat.

2004-04-17T05:02:00.000-04:00

i have just added a "comment" link. feel free to say what you want about my offensively tastless and vulgar posts...but beware, i might know where you live.

2004-04-15T18:48:00.000-04:00

i hate shallow people. when your depth goes as deep as a mud puddle, and your I.Q. is still in the single digits, you might as well hang yourself. hell, if you are pretty, but still shallow, there is a place for you on this earth...a sorority...but i have already expressed my feelings about those morons. being shallow does nothing for you, and nothing for anyone else. your parents would have probably snuffed you by now, if there wasn't such a thing as laws. but who needs to abide by those, anyway? well, when i really think about it, i guess the world needs shallow people...it's kind of like the food chain. non-shallow people (those who have their own personality and don't need to absorb it off of others) rely on the shallow people to do things for them, and basically use them as a doormat. we smart people need all of the less evolved beings to use them as stepping stones so we can be at the top. if it weren't for the shallow people, i wouldn't have a topic to write on for today. so, i guess when i look at the big picture, thank god for those who are destined to be cat ladies and coffee fetchers when they grow old. shallow fuckers make the world go round because us non-shallow people need someone to step on now and then. we need to manipulate those who have an I.Q. equivalent to a potato chip. don't get me wrong, i still despise those who are shallow, but now that i have placed a meaning on why they are here, i feel a little bit better about exploiting and humiliating them.

2004-04-13T22:44:00.000-04:00

so i just saw on tv a location called "colonville". you can probably guess who lives there...a bunch of assholes. you betcha.

2004-04-13T19:46:00.000-04:00

so, you think that you have friends because you are in a frat/sorority? well, lemme tell you something, if it weren't for your parent's money paying for the greek fees, you wouldn't have any friends. thats right, your parents are paying for you to have friends. they do this because they figured you wouldn't have any otherwise. this is one of many reasons why i would never go greek. i don't need a big house and ditzy girls telling me that we are "sisters" just because we wear the same letters. i guarantee that i would not have anything in common with any of those girls. i like to set things on fire, drink beer and cuss like a drunken fucking sailor. those girls like to spread their legs for the frat jerk-offs, drink their "malt beverages" and wear pink. you have go to be kidding me. they are the girls that wear sunglasses on top of their head instead of on their face, just to sport them as "accesories", and they miss class because their pedicure ran late. i am not kidding, i overheard a delta zeta say that. these are the girls that claim they are "sisters" but wouldn't hesitate to stab one another in the back for a frat boy. oh, the frat boys. they are not god's gift just because they wear greek letters and live in a shitty, beer drenched shack. they think that they are the shit because they survived initiation and can consider themselves "frat boys". they also think they are sitting on top of the world when they can't get it up because they are so sloshed...this will eventually lead to liver failure and erectile dysfunction...and excessive jerking off. well, how cool do they feel when some of their initiation tactics are revealed? how cool does a guy look when he says that for his initiation stunt he had to stick it to a dog. fuckin' right you heard me. it's been said that initiation for a certain frat, guys have to give poor little Spot a night of pure pleasure. try using that as a pick up line, ass. "hey, i am a so and so frat boy and i fucked the shit out of a dog." i know that if that was said to me, i would slap him in the face for animal cruelty and make sure i never see him near any of my pets. an overall summary kids, frats/sororities are crap. your parents feel sorry for you, so they buy you some alcoholic dumb ass friends....hell, those people aren't even guaranteed to like you. you make a fool of yourself to get into the organization, and some of those moments will haunt you for life. what if you were that guy who put it to the dog and actually enjoyed it? and if you join a sorority, you have given yourself a life sentencing to watching general hospital. congratulations! you made it through hell week only to live the rest of your pathetic life as a sap with expensive friends.

2004-04-13T00:06:00.000-04:00

are things really necessary? like how celebrities spend so much money on the dumbest shit. for example, celebs carry their dogs in gucci bags. okay people, dogs lick their own asses, and we are toting them around in six thousand dollar bags. louis vuitton nows turns into louis crapped-on. i know that if a four legged little shit took a crap in my expensive bag, i would snap that little fuckers neck for being inconsiderate. and celebrities pay big money for top of the line pets. if i was paying 20 grand for a dog, he better recite poetry and bong beers like a champ. and he should know better than to take a dump on the lawn or piss in an expensive bag. why can't celebrities adopt animals from an animal shelter? those are the animals that really need homes. or how about when j.lo and ben affleck went to a restaraunt and wanted a milkshake? well, this place didn't offer milkshakes and ben offered somone $200 to make one for miss jenny from the block. okay, my milkshake may not be better than hers, but at least i never dated ben affleck. someone should give these celebs a reality check. with all of the money they have, they could be feeding a small third world country, but instead they would rather splurge on buying an automatic ass wiper or prostitutes...yeah, celebs buy those too. this is probably thier best investment, though. they get a night of no-strings-attached pleasure, while the hookers make enough money to treat their herpes. lets hear it for a win-win situation! that heidi fleiss was brilliant.

2004-04-12T21:20:00.000-04:00

Q: what did the blonde's right knee say to her left knee?
A: nothing, they never met. ouch.

sorry guys, i had to put this one. i have blonde friends...don't be offended...the same thing could be said about paris hilton. oooh, burned.

2004-04-12T02:38:00.000-04:00

so, i just lost a whole six dollars at the casino tonight. some of you may laugh, but i am on the verge of tears. it makes me upset to think that a good six dollars of my money has been wasted. i could have spent that six bucks on a car wash, a couple of 40's, or maybe even the most expensive item at taco bell. it also makes me sad to know that the person who will win that money from the machine that i was on will be a woman at least 80, with four cigarettes hanging out of her mouth, with hooker red lipstick on. she also will have earlier dined at the casino buffet and have food stashed in her purse (which isn't a completely bad idea). once she hears the annoying "ding" sounds coming from the machine to signal her that she won, she will collapse of a heart attack, which actually benefits her because she probably would have gotten cancer anyway. well, the point that i am trying to make is that my 6 dollars paid for some old lady's heart attack. do i go to hell for this? well, technically, i AM in hell. yahtzee!

2004-04-07T20:14:00.000-04:00

ortonville. some say this is the best place to be...well those who didn't go off to college. but none the less, it's a beautiful countryside resort that is the lost link between clarkston and goodrich. sure, for fun we let a cow loose on the football field and play bingo by guessing what place the cow will take a massive shit on, but we are all a bunch of hicks that have nothing better to do than drink and experiment with drugs...more likely pot, but now i hear that 6th graders are dealing coke like it's thier job. for fuck's sake, when i was in 6th grade i was still playing with barbies. i know i sound like an old timer saying this, but have the times really changed since when i was in middle school? i think that damn britney spears started all of this. she evoked small girls to dress like prostitutes and shake thier ass like they actually have a booty. fuck no. when i was in 6th grade, i thought i was daring because i wore tinted chapstick to school. nowadays, girls don't even hesitate to share a little crack (butt crack, that is) and wear shirts that leave nothing to the imagination. now, children are only innocent until they turn 4. after that, you might as well invite the tattooed biker freak into your house for dinner named "spike" at the age of 7, because you know that is who your daughter is going to be dating before she gets out of grade school. damn pop music and the negative side effects they have on society today. kids need to realize that dressing like ms. spears isn't all it's cracked up to be...and when they contract gonnohrea at the age of 9, it's no laughing matter. well, back to my main point, ortonville was a wonderful place until i graduated. and god bless those who grew up there that DO NOT think that it's appropriate to wear a g-string, boobie tassles, and stilettos to the local shopping center.
ending note: drugs are bad kids...that's why we college people stick to alcohol. it's cheap, easy to get, and we might as well put ourselves on the liver transplant list now...we will need one by the time we are 28.

2004-04-06T19:24:00.000-04:00

topic of the day: yelling obscenities at women and trying to pass them off as compliments. now, i know that all females have had this happen. take for example, this situation: a gal is walking by a crowd of guys, and in their horny, hormone diven stupor, all they can seem to yell at the gal walking by is, "shit," "damn," or a 2 syllable phrase, "god damn." now, guys, honestly, do you really think that this is going to get you laid, or a dinner date with the female that just walked by? yelling obscenities at gals walking by cannot be substituted for a compliment. in no way, shape, or form can a "holy shit" be turned into a, "you look lovely today and i was wondering if you had any dinner plans." i know that guys can only think with one head at a time, and most of that time they are thinking with the one that is concealed in their underoos. seeing that the body can only supply enough blood and oxygen to one of these body parts at a time, this causes the lack of human conversation between 2 people (a guy and a gal), and causes him to sputter out stupid shit. guys have not evolved much from that of an eggplant, so nothing genious can be expected of them. my advice is, the next time some red neck toothless asshole opens his mouth and tries to pick up a girl, she should turn around and beat the hell out of him with the crowbar that she should be toting in her purse (because everyone knows that women keep the most pointless things in their purses). that should teach him to use proper english and a better pick up line next time...and also to run away if he sees that a woman is carrying a curiously large purse.
ending piece of mind for the day: if uncooked macaroni happens to fall down your shirt and land perfectly on your nipple, you may be mistaken that you pierced it in a drunken rage. (there is a long story connected to this, but this is pretty much the pointless bottom line.)

2004-04-05T22:00:00.000-04:00

alright, here i am with my 2nd posting in 10 minutes. with all of this pressure on me to use this space to express all of my smart ass comments, i seem to have nothing at the moment. i doubt that anyone is going to read this pathetic posting i call a journal, so i dont think that i have to hold back about writing what comes to mind. if anything. i think i need to have a subject of the day. perhaps i should warn everyone, if anyone, reading this, that some of this material in the journal may be viewed as offensive. i will repeatedly crack jokes about neck creases, fat rolls, cellulite and double chins. if you feel that you have a weight problem and this material would offend you, simply exit out of this screen and calm yourself with a twinkie. i have the tendency to be a, ahem, bitch at times, and you will find that i have a severe case of tourettes. once again, if you are offended by this vulgar type of material, exit out of this screen and retreat to your nearest church toting your bible...(probably the one you took from the classiest motel 6...you do realize that you are going to hell for that, right?). if someone, by chance, does read this and diasagrees with anything that i have said, go ahead and send your disagreements to my e mail adress at: dawl022@aol.com or leave me a message on my aol instant messenger name, dawl022 or firecracker2022. but, just know that in retaliation for your comments, i will sacrafice your first born to a herd of rabid mountain goats. with all of this being said, i think i am running out of sarcastic asshole comments for the night. everyone please feel free to visit my blog as frequently as possible...i keep saying "everyone" like people are actually going to see this. just remember: its only proper table manners to have a beefcake dancer stripping during dinner. entertain your friends, give your father a heart attack! wow, only if i were president, america would kick some shit...i should start campaigning. vote for me! and you thought the clinton/lewinsky scandal was big...

2004-04-05T21:51:00.000-04:00

so, i just created this blog thing...trying to get used to it...this sucks for a first posting.