hit by a school bus...a short one none the less

as i was at walmart the other day staring at an Easy Bake Oven that was on clearance for $8.87, it was then that i realized why i can't cook. my parents deprived me of the girly joy of baking nasty food in a little pink oven. and i was shocked to see how cheap it was. i almost bought it, because i thought that a late start would be better than nothing, but, i wouldn't want to be "that guy" buying an Easy Bake Oven and then going home to actually use it. i know that this little oven wouldn't have had an impact on how i cook a thanksgiving turkey, or lasagna, because the only thing that you could cook in those were little cakes, brownies, or cupcakes....but i could have been a master at that. maybe that could have led to my success as a wedding cake baker. damn it! my whole life is now ruined because i never got an Easy Bake Oven as a child. thanks mom and dad, you have condemned me to a life of ordering fast food because i can't cook, and that will eventually result in a double chin....the really gross one like Don Vito. i might as well go and buy that hot dog cart right now and sit on a new york side street.

some days i just want to dive into a big bowl of lucky charms....mmmm...marshmallows....mmmm....leprechauns.

but i am always left wondering, "where's me pot-o-gold, you fucking little twat?"