Friday, January 11, 2008
F beauty pageants. who says the women that are in the running for these titles accurately represent what they are running for? i know that a panel of "expert" judges choose who deserves most to be miss whatever, but i think these pageants are a joke and so are the women who are winning. i don't know about you, but apparently only girls who are 5'10'' and weigh 120 pounds give a shit about ending world hunger because they say so when asked to answer the question in 30 seconds or less. and i didn't realize that prancing around in a bikini on stage makes you intelligent enough to talk about saving the whales.
when choosing a woman to represent a certain beauty pageant title, i think the judges need to pick someone who is "real" and really represents the world that we live in today. some people were enraged when miss america could keep her title last year when the world found out she dabbled in underage drinking and did coke. i say, way to go. like 95% of all the other contestants haven't done something stupid once in their lifetime that could compromise a beauty pageant title.
that's why i think i would be an excellent candidate for miss america, or whatever pageant that accepts borderline midgets to enter. here i will produce a list of make believe girls that would enter the beauty pageants with me, because i think that if pageants were real like this, it would better represent the world we live in today.
possible candidates and their brief biographies:
renee/23 years old/from michigan, the weather fucking sucks there/renee has never attempted to save the world before, however, she did volunteer at an animal shelter for a summer while in college/renee experimented with underage drinking, found out she liked it, and hasn't stoppped since/illegal drugs are something that renee has tried before, she doesn't like smoking pot, but she will eat a motherfucking brownie now and then/she has done her share of illegal activities and hi-jacking a car is next on her list, i guess you can say that she is very determined to accomplish goals she sets for herself/renee graduated college, and still can't find a job in her field, prostitution may be in the near future so she can make some money/she would be an excellent candidate for any pageant title because she can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue and she's great with kids...when she's drunk.
destiny/24 years old/from flint-town/currently a stripper but working on her associates in social work/destiny grew up in a rich neighborhood, was spoiled as shit and decided to become a dancer to piss off her parents/she claims "fuck world hunger, i've got an illegitimate child to feed at home and my baby daddy ain't been seen for weeks."/destiny's favorite song is "bowdown" by westside connection when she's roilling on dubs/she would be an ecxellent candidate because she can put her tongue in someone's ear while performing a lap dance and pick pocket them at the same time...she's great at multi-tasking.
debbie/27 years old/from ann arbor/debbie just got out of the joint for a murder conviction when she was 16/she has a multitude of tattoos of baby jesus on her back and down her legs/she can break bricks in half with her hands/when she's not with her PO, she's off trying to score some smack from kids who are half her age/she can't locate europe on a world map and has no idea that there are 7 continents/debbie would be a great candidate because she can make a prison shank out of anything, including a toothbrush, so i guess you can say she's good with her hands...and she strangled a bitch in prison that one time. bitch had it coming, anyway.
which one would you choose to win? i forgot to mention that if i did ever enter a pageant, i would need a fake pregnant belly, a 40 oz of malt liquor and a cigarette just to add some pizazz....look what those three things did for britney's career.
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when choosing a woman to represent a certain beauty pageant title, i think the judges need to pick someone who is "real" and really represents the world that we live in today. some people were enraged when miss america could keep her title last year when the world found out she dabbled in underage drinking and did coke. i say, way to go. like 95% of all the other contestants haven't done something stupid once in their lifetime that could compromise a beauty pageant title.
that's why i think i would be an excellent candidate for miss america, or whatever pageant that accepts borderline midgets to enter. here i will produce a list of make believe girls that would enter the beauty pageants with me, because i think that if pageants were real like this, it would better represent the world we live in today.
possible candidates and their brief biographies:
renee/23 years old/from michigan, the weather fucking sucks there/renee has never attempted to save the world before, however, she did volunteer at an animal shelter for a summer while in college/renee experimented with underage drinking, found out she liked it, and hasn't stoppped since/illegal drugs are something that renee has tried before, she doesn't like smoking pot, but she will eat a motherfucking brownie now and then/she has done her share of illegal activities and hi-jacking a car is next on her list, i guess you can say that she is very determined to accomplish goals she sets for herself/renee graduated college, and still can't find a job in her field, prostitution may be in the near future so she can make some money/she would be an excellent candidate for any pageant title because she can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue and she's great with kids...when she's drunk.
destiny/24 years old/from flint-town/currently a stripper but working on her associates in social work/destiny grew up in a rich neighborhood, was spoiled as shit and decided to become a dancer to piss off her parents/she claims "fuck world hunger, i've got an illegitimate child to feed at home and my baby daddy ain't been seen for weeks."/destiny's favorite song is "bowdown" by westside connection when she's roilling on dubs/she would be an ecxellent candidate because she can put her tongue in someone's ear while performing a lap dance and pick pocket them at the same time...she's great at multi-tasking.
debbie/27 years old/from ann arbor/debbie just got out of the joint for a murder conviction when she was 16/she has a multitude of tattoos of baby jesus on her back and down her legs/she can break bricks in half with her hands/when she's not with her PO, she's off trying to score some smack from kids who are half her age/she can't locate europe on a world map and has no idea that there are 7 continents/debbie would be a great candidate because she can make a prison shank out of anything, including a toothbrush, so i guess you can say she's good with her hands...and she strangled a bitch in prison that one time. bitch had it coming, anyway.
which one would you choose to win? i forgot to mention that if i did ever enter a pageant, i would need a fake pregnant belly, a 40 oz of malt liquor and a cigarette just to add some pizazz....look what those three things did for britney's career.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
chain letters are ridiculous. they have invaded every mass communication outlet we have ever created; written letters, e-mail, texting, myspace bulletins....etc. i will not part-take in the nonsense of passing on a chain letter. i do not believe that if i do not send this letter to 2,496 people within the next 20 minutes i will have bad luck in love. i do not believe that if i do not forward this letter that world hunger will be cured. and i sure as hell don't buy the ones that say if you forward this letter to 2 people and they forward this letter to 2 people and so on, you will receive 45 cents for every person that keeps the letter going. i have a better idea, if you are so infatuated with the idea of possibly making 45 cents off of people forwarding a letter, it must be out of this world to actually go and apply for a job where you could earn at least $8 an hour. i think some people actually believe in the power of the chain letter, that it may ruin their lives if they do not forward the message. a donkey will not rape your sister at midnight and then slap you in the face with a rotting fish if you stop a chain letter. and you will never find the person of your dreams by sending out a stupid chain letter, either. if you are that concerned with finding the person of your dreams by sending e-mail messages, join eRapist.com. (sorry, that was a little harsh, eHarmony.com.) for the sake of all things sane in this world, please do not send anymore chain letters. i am not too worried that a midget smeared in blue paint might slash my tires or a bald eagle wearing a spinner necklace will drop a dead baby on my car during rush hour. bad things don't happen to people because they stop a chain letter. bad things happen to people with non-registered weapons, heroin addictions and expired work visas. breathe a sigh of relief.
