hit by a school bus...a short one none the less

let's think about this...persay you were a fish sandwich at mcdonalds. a large size coke comes along and figures it would be better off with the big mac rather than your shitty single fillet of fish between 2 fat buns...would you still wish to be with the coke? or how about that nursery rhyme when the fork ran off with the spoon? or some shit like that. what if you were the knife? would you feel betrayed or left out? the best thing to do in this type of situation is to run off with a spork in rebellion. i have a hidden point in this, that i am trying to convey well, but it's going terribly wrong. when the coke or the fork do something that is completely undesirable, and then try to make things right, like becoming an extra value fish fillet meal, or a complete set of silverware, no one should agree to that. never settle for second best. but it's suprising how some people will settle for the second hand. when things go wrong the first time, don't short change yourself. don't think that things will get better after the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th times things go wrong again. if you are that fish fillet sandwich, tell the coke to fuck off and have a good time producing high calorie children with the big mac daddy. and if you are the knife, settle for a more violent approach...cut them bitches! you're a fucking knife. if the fork and the spoon do you wrong, it is in your genes to cut them. but instead, the fish fillets continue to want to be with the cokes, and the knifes want to be with the spoons. if they had any eyes, they should open them and pull their heads out of their asses (if they had those, too).
this makes no sense, and i realize that, but i am still going to publish it. it has a point, a very hidden, fucked up point, but a point none the less. and if you are that fish fillet, or that dull knife, it would be best that you live in a hole for the rest of your life and become a hermit.

mark my words everyone, if i ever have a little girl someday, i am definitely going to not let her dress like a hooker. nowadays, i see little girls walking around on the street like they are trying to sell themselves. i don't even dress that skeazy and i am 20...let alone little girls at the age of 9 showing more skin then i ever have. thanks to britney spears, little girls think that they can glue on some little plastic rhinestones to their naked bodies, call it an outfit, and wander off to third grade. okay, when someone is carrying a powerpuff girls lunchbox, they really don't need to be wearing skeazy shit. and paris hilton was quoted in FHM magazine saying that she hopes she has a little girl someday so she can dress her daughter like herself. the world is going to end when this happens. but, we all know this won't happen for a while because paris isn't done fucking everyone on the planet...4 legged mammals included...and possibly anything that walks upright. anyway, when i see little girls wearing skirts that don't even cover thier ass, and halter tops that are close to revealing their mosquito bite boobies, i feel like a perv for looking. it's at that moment when i cover up my own private parts in embarassment and see the mother of these girls. now, it's no wonder why little girls dress like little sluts. they are a complete replica of thier mother. my advice to those mothers: do not dress your little girl like she has to go out on the street and work herself to pay for the rent and your coke addiction. when i get older and possibly have children, i am going to dress them in snow suits everyday so that none of their skin is showing...and so there is no "easy access" to my little 8 year old girl. goddamn perverts.

you know the world is coming to an end when you see ben affleck on the cover of rolling stone. now, i know that this issue has been out for a while, but i do not have a subscription to the magazine, and i just caught a glimpse of the cover. what is with the editors at rolling stone? cool people used to be on the cover. i thought that this magazine was about "popular culture"...so what the hell is ben affleck doing on the cover? he isn't cool anymore. i think after armageddon he should have stopped making movies...and the only reason this one didn't suck was because good old bruce willis was in it. other people to grace the cover of rolling stone that should be condemned to a lifetime of tiger beat magazine are: the olson twins, clay aiken, and the spice girls. now, i know that these people are all famous, but i do not think that they should be on the cover of rolling stone. first, the olson twins are attractive, rich, and smart, yes. but when you remember watching them on full house, then you are too damn old to hit it. face it, they have too much money to actually hang out and have a threesome with you...get over it. they aren't even 18 yet, so you would definitely go to jail. the next best thing in jail to the olson twins are the molson twins...and no, these are not hot girls in bikini's representing molson canadian...these are 2 fat bald burly guys rubbed down in grease who like to think their best friends are the coors light twins. alright, clay aiken...does anyone else realize that he DIDN'T win american idol? ruben could eat him for a late night snack, and he is prancing around here like everyone actually likes him. is it just me or does he look like the mad tv character? and does anyone else think it's creepy that his song "invisible" has a lyric: "if i was invisible, i could just watch you in your room." but how would i know this? i don't listen to that shit...but if he thought that he was invisible and wanted to watch me in my room, i would pimp slap that little leather pant wearing bitch. and ahh, the spice girls. i once thought that they had the coolest cd ever...and now all they have are stretch marks from all of the children that they've had. well, to conclude this useless column, rolling stone should start putting cool people on their cover. or, at least people that have more than $3 in their bank account. after gigli, you know ben is broke, clay is a perv, which is validated with his "invisible" song, and the spice girls are now non-existent. (i know the olsons are worth more than i will ever be, so i won't mention anything.) who's gonna be next on the cover of rolling stone? backstreet boys? gary coleman? or how about donald trump...he is such a cutie...and so is that little dog that he wears on his head that tries to pass it off as a hair piece.

i have nothing else to write about tonight, so here i bring you the top ten reasons why i suck:
10. freshman year, 2nd semester i only skipped 2 whole classes...i am not kidding.
9. i have passed out with a spoon in hand while eating easy mac...minus the cheese, but with cheeze-its...don't ask, it seemed like a good idea at the time
8. i can never guess who is a transvestite and who isn't on those special episodes of Maury
7. i can only do a keg stand for about 7 seconds and then my eyes water...and i go to Central for fuck's sake
6. i always wear mis-matched socks
5. i love to play with sidewalk chalk...and draw immature, obscene pictures
4. i watch American Idol...enough said
3. ramen noodles are not my favorite food, eventhough i am a college kid
2. i once threw up red jello shots all over the only pair of khakis that i owned (this was the only time that i threw up) and passed out in my underwear in my closet...and in the bathroom and my friend swung open the door and nailed me in the head...it was a rough night.
and the #1 reason:
...i still can't get rid of my Hanson CD. you heard correct...please don't beat me in an alley...

if any of you have the same occurrences as mine, let me know...i would love to hear that i am not the only sarcastic, pathetic, asshole loser in this world. well, besides pauly shore.

i know it's 4/20, so here's my little bit...if anyone needs a living example that drugs/alcohol is bad for you, it's got to be robert downey jr. here's a quote of his for fun: "i don't drink these days. i am allergic to alcohol and narcotics, i break out in handcuffs." hahaha. so, if you aren't toking up right now, i hope you enjoyed that.

this entry is dedicated to all of you people that eat, breathe, and sleep abercrombie. you people need to understand that this is NOT a lifestyle. now, i do own crombie apparrel...but not everything i own has the ridiculous "abercrombie&fitch" tag. i do like to make regular trips to the salvation army. but, everyone realizes that they are paying for that little tag they put on everything, right? that little tag costs $30 while the actual shirt costs $4. and for you ladies out there, don't try to date a crombie guy....they are destined to be the next richard simmons. or even the next elton john...minus the talent. i have seen up close and personal the personalities of those guys (fairies) who worship the crombie moose. i once asked the guy i was dating why he wears everything abercrombie, and he replied, "its one-stop shopping." so is meijer, so what's his fucking point? soon after that, he frosted his hair (women do that) and he checked it in the car mirror more than i did. bottom line, crombie guys make better shopping partners or interior decorators than potential boyfriends. i should write a book, a really short one so i can keep the crombie guy's attention, about how to de-crombify themselves. here's a short list/synopsis:
five simple ways to give up that fake image of popularity that we encorporate with the head of a moose...
5. don't take more than one shower a day unless completely necessary. if you are a construction worker, then this is allowed..but not if you dress up like one to go to the YMCA.
4. go to Marshalls, or Target, or even the salvation army to buy something. so what if it's been worn before, or it doesn't cost $35? give those asian children a break from sewing those stupid A&F tags on clothes and go buy some other brand.
3. get a real job. nobody can work at abercrombie forever. quite frankly, when you reach an age that doesn't resemble that of a teenage supermodel, they are going to fire you anyway. that is, if they ever hired you in the first place. they like those people that look good in their clothes and like to work 6 hours a week. (yeah, i worked there...i needed a summer job when i came home from college and i needed something. thank god i didn't get sucked into the lifestyle.)
2. girls, buy clothes that cover your navel and your ass. no matter what anyone says, butt crack IS NEVER in. not even on beyonce. guys, buy shirts that aren't cut off at the arms and pants/shorts that aren't camoflauge. you are not going to try and shoot a deer while playing volleyball at the beach, so their is no need for either.
1. think about it. if you work there, you are working for a $6 an hour paycheck, and when you shop there religously, you are worshiping a company that is recognized by the head of a moose. a head of a moose that has hockey sticks and roller blades hanging off of his antlers...how is the poor moose going to use them if he doesn't even have legs? you support all of the porn stars that they hire to make their quarterly catalogs . you support the change in sexual orientation that the male crombie employees will eventually have. i have no problem with homosexual males, but when i date them, i do. just sit back and think about it. it's really not that important to wear 5 polo shirts under a sweater and have them all compliment each other in color. it's not that important to wear crombie underwear when they hang on your ass, anyway. it is important, however, to realize that if you continue working at abercrombie, you will grow up to make useless workout videos like richard simmons, suzanne sommers or chuck norris. they obviously need good looking people to promote the thigh master or bowflex, right?

this is a true story....
A man walked into the corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the money from the cash register. After the cashier put the money in the bag as instructed, the man demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. The cashier refused to hand over the Scotch because he did not believe the man was 21. The robber swore he was, but still the clerk refused. Finally, the robber handed over his ID and proved that he was indeed twenty-one. As soon as he left, the cashier called and gave the police the name and address of the man who had just robbed the store. The suspect was arrested two hours later.

how dumb is this guy? now everything dumb that i ever did can be justified by this dumb mother fucker's stunt. hahaha...fucking loser.

i definitely drank a lot of beer this weekend, and i can feel the neck crease forming. it won't be too long before i can catch my dinner leftovers in my crease and save them for an after dinner snack. soon to follow with the neck crease is my double chin and thunder thighs. before i know it i will have a stable career working as head manager at Kentucky Fried Chicken. who needs to pack their lunch in a lunchbox when they can shove a sandwich or two in their gut roll? the only good thing about being large, is that your tits grow to be huge...but what use are they when they hang down to your belly button? well, that is when you can find your belly button to begin with. i think when you have double chins growing off of your double chins and they are multiplying like rabbits, its time to put down the twinkie and personal deep dish pizza. when you realize that you have sprouted cankles, (when the width of your calf pretty much goes down into your shoes and you don't have ankles anymore), you need to consider not eating at all. now, i am NOT stressing for anyone to become anorexic or anything. i DO NOT think that everyone has to look like Heidi Klum, but when you look more like Mimi from the the Drew Carey Show or you resemble the Michelin tire man, you need to reconsider what you are doing. when someone wants to lose weight, a good snack to eat would be an apple, not the whole fuckin' tree. so, in the next week to come i might not want to drink as much beer...eventhough it IS technincally liquid bread. i don't want to see my life flash before my eyes and realize that i am working at Burger King and my two best friends are mr. whopper and ms. steel reserve. ewww.

so, it's 4 in the morning and i just witnessed a guy peeing in a window. who does that? see, earlier today i noticed that this guy's bedroom window had the screen popped out of it, and he has a lower-level bedroom. i had mentioned that it would be really easy to climb in his room because his window was wide open. now, that it's 4 a.m., and i having my second wind from passing out drunk earlier, i was woke up by the godly sound of someone tinkling nearby. so, i looked out the window to see a drunk guy whizzing away at the same open window that i had noticed earlier today. now, that guy has probably shut his window, but persay he didn't...he is going to wake up to one warm, sweet suprise. let me tell you guys why this is cool. first, peeing anywhere is a semi public/public place rocks. some call it indecent exposure, i call it "i had to pee really bad, now quit staring at me." i, personally, have peed in a bar parking lot while gripping myself between 2 cars. why was i peeing inthe parking lot to begin with, you ask? well, i was too lit to actually get into the bar...bastards. the second reason why this rocks is because it's so damn funny to witness. whenever i see someone peeing in public, i can't help but stare. i giggle like a school girl and point my finger. thirdly, peeing is a relaxing process, and sharing that relaxing feeling with others is the least selfish thing you can do. now, i am going to tell you why this sucks...i just realized that my bedroom is on the bottom floor and some drunken ass could be urinating in my window. this is a classic example that things are only funny until they happen to you...i better go and grab a baseball bat.

i have just added a "comment" link. feel free to say what you want about my offensively tastless and vulgar posts...but beware, i might know where you live.

i hate shallow people. when your depth goes as deep as a mud puddle, and your I.Q. is still in the single digits, you might as well hang yourself. hell, if you are pretty, but still shallow, there is a place for you on this earth...a sorority...but i have already expressed my feelings about those morons. being shallow does nothing for you, and nothing for anyone else. your parents would have probably snuffed you by now, if there wasn't such a thing as laws. but who needs to abide by those, anyway? well, when i really think about it, i guess the world needs shallow people...it's kind of like the food chain. non-shallow people (those who have their own personality and don't need to absorb it off of others) rely on the shallow people to do things for them, and basically use them as a doormat. we smart people need all of the less evolved beings to use them as stepping stones so we can be at the top. if it weren't for the shallow people, i wouldn't have a topic to write on for today. so, i guess when i look at the big picture, thank god for those who are destined to be cat ladies and coffee fetchers when they grow old. shallow fuckers make the world go round because us non-shallow people need someone to step on now and then. we need to manipulate those who have an I.Q. equivalent to a potato chip. don't get me wrong, i still despise those who are shallow, but now that i have placed a meaning on why they are here, i feel a little bit better about exploiting and humiliating them.

so i just saw on tv a location called "colonville". you can probably guess who lives there...a bunch of assholes. you betcha.

so, you think that you have friends because you are in a frat/sorority? well, lemme tell you something, if it weren't for your parent's money paying for the greek fees, you wouldn't have any friends. thats right, your parents are paying for you to have friends. they do this because they figured you wouldn't have any otherwise. this is one of many reasons why i would never go greek. i don't need a big house and ditzy girls telling me that we are "sisters" just because we wear the same letters. i guarantee that i would not have anything in common with any of those girls. i like to set things on fire, drink beer and cuss like a drunken fucking sailor. those girls like to spread their legs for the frat jerk-offs, drink their "malt beverages" and wear pink. you have go to be kidding me. they are the girls that wear sunglasses on top of their head instead of on their face, just to sport them as "accesories", and they miss class because their pedicure ran late. i am not kidding, i overheard a delta zeta say that. these are the girls that claim they are "sisters" but wouldn't hesitate to stab one another in the back for a frat boy. oh, the frat boys. they are not god's gift just because they wear greek letters and live in a shitty, beer drenched shack. they think that they are the shit because they survived initiation and can consider themselves "frat boys". they also think they are sitting on top of the world when they can't get it up because they are so sloshed...this will eventually lead to liver failure and erectile dysfunction...and excessive jerking off. well, how cool do they feel when some of their initiation tactics are revealed? how cool does a guy look when he says that for his initiation stunt he had to stick it to a dog. fuckin' right you heard me. it's been said that initiation for a certain frat, guys have to give poor little Spot a night of pure pleasure. try using that as a pick up line, ass. "hey, i am a so and so frat boy and i fucked the shit out of a dog." i know that if that was said to me, i would slap him in the face for animal cruelty and make sure i never see him near any of my pets. an overall summary kids, frats/sororities are crap. your parents feel sorry for you, so they buy you some alcoholic dumb ass friends....hell, those people aren't even guaranteed to like you. you make a fool of yourself to get into the organization, and some of those moments will haunt you for life. what if you were that guy who put it to the dog and actually enjoyed it? and if you join a sorority, you have given yourself a life sentencing to watching general hospital. congratulations! you made it through hell week only to live the rest of your pathetic life as a sap with expensive friends.

are things really necessary? like how celebrities spend so much money on the dumbest shit. for example, celebs carry their dogs in gucci bags. okay people, dogs lick their own asses, and we are toting them around in six thousand dollar bags. louis vuitton nows turns into louis crapped-on. i know that if a four legged little shit took a crap in my expensive bag, i would snap that little fuckers neck for being inconsiderate. and celebrities pay big money for top of the line pets. if i was paying 20 grand for a dog, he better recite poetry and bong beers like a champ. and he should know better than to take a dump on the lawn or piss in an expensive bag. why can't celebrities adopt animals from an animal shelter? those are the animals that really need homes. or how about when j.lo and ben affleck went to a restaraunt and wanted a milkshake? well, this place didn't offer milkshakes and ben offered somone $200 to make one for miss jenny from the block. okay, my milkshake may not be better than hers, but at least i never dated ben affleck. someone should give these celebs a reality check. with all of the money they have, they could be feeding a small third world country, but instead they would rather splurge on buying an automatic ass wiper or prostitutes...yeah, celebs buy those too. this is probably thier best investment, though. they get a night of no-strings-attached pleasure, while the hookers make enough money to treat their herpes. lets hear it for a win-win situation! that heidi fleiss was brilliant.

Q: what did the blonde's right knee say to her left knee?
A: nothing, they never met. ouch.

sorry guys, i had to put this one. i have blonde friends...don't be offended...the same thing could be said about paris hilton. oooh, burned.

so, i just lost a whole six dollars at the casino tonight. some of you may laugh, but i am on the verge of tears. it makes me upset to think that a good six dollars of my money has been wasted. i could have spent that six bucks on a car wash, a couple of 40's, or maybe even the most expensive item at taco bell. it also makes me sad to know that the person who will win that money from the machine that i was on will be a woman at least 80, with four cigarettes hanging out of her mouth, with hooker red lipstick on. she also will have earlier dined at the casino buffet and have food stashed in her purse (which isn't a completely bad idea). once she hears the annoying "ding" sounds coming from the machine to signal her that she won, she will collapse of a heart attack, which actually benefits her because she probably would have gotten cancer anyway. well, the point that i am trying to make is that my 6 dollars paid for some old lady's heart attack. do i go to hell for this? well, technically, i AM in hell. yahtzee!

ortonville. some say this is the best place to be...well those who didn't go off to college. but none the less, it's a beautiful countryside resort that is the lost link between clarkston and goodrich. sure, for fun we let a cow loose on the football field and play bingo by guessing what place the cow will take a massive shit on, but we are all a bunch of hicks that have nothing better to do than drink and experiment with drugs...more likely pot, but now i hear that 6th graders are dealing coke like it's thier job. for fuck's sake, when i was in 6th grade i was still playing with barbies. i know i sound like an old timer saying this, but have the times really changed since when i was in middle school? i think that damn britney spears started all of this. she evoked small girls to dress like prostitutes and shake thier ass like they actually have a booty. fuck no. when i was in 6th grade, i thought i was daring because i wore tinted chapstick to school. nowadays, girls don't even hesitate to share a little crack (butt crack, that is) and wear shirts that leave nothing to the imagination. now, children are only innocent until they turn 4. after that, you might as well invite the tattooed biker freak into your house for dinner named "spike" at the age of 7, because you know that is who your daughter is going to be dating before she gets out of grade school. damn pop music and the negative side effects they have on society today. kids need to realize that dressing like ms. spears isn't all it's cracked up to be...and when they contract gonnohrea at the age of 9, it's no laughing matter. well, back to my main point, ortonville was a wonderful place until i graduated. and god bless those who grew up there that DO NOT think that it's appropriate to wear a g-string, boobie tassles, and stilettos to the local shopping center.
ending note: drugs are bad kids...that's why we college people stick to alcohol. it's cheap, easy to get, and we might as well put ourselves on the liver transplant list now...we will need one by the time we are 28.

topic of the day: yelling obscenities at women and trying to pass them off as compliments. now, i know that all females have had this happen. take for example, this situation: a gal is walking by a crowd of guys, and in their horny, hormone diven stupor, all they can seem to yell at the gal walking by is, "shit," "damn," or a 2 syllable phrase, "god damn." now, guys, honestly, do you really think that this is going to get you laid, or a dinner date with the female that just walked by? yelling obscenities at gals walking by cannot be substituted for a compliment. in no way, shape, or form can a "holy shit" be turned into a, "you look lovely today and i was wondering if you had any dinner plans." i know that guys can only think with one head at a time, and most of that time they are thinking with the one that is concealed in their underoos. seeing that the body can only supply enough blood and oxygen to one of these body parts at a time, this causes the lack of human conversation between 2 people (a guy and a gal), and causes him to sputter out stupid shit. guys have not evolved much from that of an eggplant, so nothing genious can be expected of them. my advice is, the next time some red neck toothless asshole opens his mouth and tries to pick up a girl, she should turn around and beat the hell out of him with the crowbar that she should be toting in her purse (because everyone knows that women keep the most pointless things in their purses). that should teach him to use proper english and a better pick up line next time...and also to run away if he sees that a woman is carrying a curiously large purse.
ending piece of mind for the day: if uncooked macaroni happens to fall down your shirt and land perfectly on your nipple, you may be mistaken that you pierced it in a drunken rage. (there is a long story connected to this, but this is pretty much the pointless bottom line.)

alright, here i am with my 2nd posting in 10 minutes. with all of this pressure on me to use this space to express all of my smart ass comments, i seem to have nothing at the moment. i doubt that anyone is going to read this pathetic posting i call a journal, so i dont think that i have to hold back about writing what comes to mind. if anything. i think i need to have a subject of the day. perhaps i should warn everyone, if anyone, reading this, that some of this material in the journal may be viewed as offensive. i will repeatedly crack jokes about neck creases, fat rolls, cellulite and double chins. if you feel that you have a weight problem and this material would offend you, simply exit out of this screen and calm yourself with a twinkie. i have the tendency to be a, ahem, bitch at times, and you will find that i have a severe case of tourettes. once again, if you are offended by this vulgar type of material, exit out of this screen and retreat to your nearest church toting your bible...(probably the one you took from the classiest motel 6...you do realize that you are going to hell for that, right?). if someone, by chance, does read this and diasagrees with anything that i have said, go ahead and send your disagreements to my e mail adress at: dawl022@aol.com or leave me a message on my aol instant messenger name, dawl022 or firecracker2022. but, just know that in retaliation for your comments, i will sacrafice your first born to a herd of rabid mountain goats. with all of this being said, i think i am running out of sarcastic asshole comments for the night. everyone please feel free to visit my blog as frequently as possible...i keep saying "everyone" like people are actually going to see this. just remember: its only proper table manners to have a beefcake dancer stripping during dinner. entertain your friends, give your father a heart attack! wow, only if i were president, america would kick some shit...i should start campaigning. vote for me! and you thought the clinton/lewinsky scandal was big...

so, i just created this blog thing...trying to get used to it...this sucks for a first posting.