Sunday, January 23, 2005
if i were to write marraige vows, they would go something like this:
1. i vow to love and cherish you for the rest of my life...and by the "rest of my life" i mean until the alcohol/drugs wear off.
2. i promise that i will never hurt you emotionally. as for physically, that depends. don't go off and do something stupid and i won't hurt you by putting your head through the refigerator door.
3. i vow to never cheat on you, i will always remain faithful. however, when i am completely smashed or on a carribean vacation, it doesn't count.
4. i promise to cherish you in sickness and in health, unless you come down with a deadly disease...in that case, stay the hell away from me.
5. i promise to love you for richer or poorer. so when i lose all of my money gambling, you better stick to this and let me have your bank account number.
6. i promise to treat you nicely in front of friends and family. but when we go home, the act wears off and you can go get me a beer from the fridge and i will go back to pretending that you are my housekeeper.
7. i vow to have sex with you only when i am interested. acceptable excuses for being denied ass: i'm too tired, i have a headache, and no, i've already gotten some from your brother/sister.
8.(a). i promise not to procreate with you if we think the kids will turn out to be ugly or losers. being ugly and a loser is a social handicap...why do that to small, innocent children?
8.(b). i will not procreate with you if i think that our child would grow to have an obsession with dungeons and dragons, buy a hillary duff cd, or aspire to be the world's greatest hopscotch-er.
9. i promise to live by the saying, "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine."
10. i vow to love you through thick and thin. but if you get too thick, i will refer you to one of the many reality tv make-over shows. and if you get too thin, i will take the needle out of your arm, hand you a sandwich, and give you mary-kate's phone number.
if only i was licensed to marry people and write their vows...i think there would be a lot more cancellations of weddings, resulting in a lower divorce rate because they would never get married in the first place. one day i will save the world. and not by stopping world hunger or the spread of AIDS, but by telling the awful truth about marraige and wedding ceremonies and saving people from the financial fuck of a wedding and a divorce. amen.
1. i vow to love and cherish you for the rest of my life...and by the "rest of my life" i mean until the alcohol/drugs wear off.
2. i promise that i will never hurt you emotionally. as for physically, that depends. don't go off and do something stupid and i won't hurt you by putting your head through the refigerator door.
3. i vow to never cheat on you, i will always remain faithful. however, when i am completely smashed or on a carribean vacation, it doesn't count.
4. i promise to cherish you in sickness and in health, unless you come down with a deadly disease...in that case, stay the hell away from me.
5. i promise to love you for richer or poorer. so when i lose all of my money gambling, you better stick to this and let me have your bank account number.
6. i promise to treat you nicely in front of friends and family. but when we go home, the act wears off and you can go get me a beer from the fridge and i will go back to pretending that you are my housekeeper.
7. i vow to have sex with you only when i am interested. acceptable excuses for being denied ass: i'm too tired, i have a headache, and no, i've already gotten some from your brother/sister.
8.(a). i promise not to procreate with you if we think the kids will turn out to be ugly or losers. being ugly and a loser is a social handicap...why do that to small, innocent children?
8.(b). i will not procreate with you if i think that our child would grow to have an obsession with dungeons and dragons, buy a hillary duff cd, or aspire to be the world's greatest hopscotch-er.
9. i promise to live by the saying, "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine."
10. i vow to love you through thick and thin. but if you get too thick, i will refer you to one of the many reality tv make-over shows. and if you get too thin, i will take the needle out of your arm, hand you a sandwich, and give you mary-kate's phone number.
if only i was licensed to marry people and write their vows...i think there would be a lot more cancellations of weddings, resulting in a lower divorce rate because they would never get married in the first place. one day i will save the world. and not by stopping world hunger or the spread of AIDS, but by telling the awful truth about marraige and wedding ceremonies and saving people from the financial fuck of a wedding and a divorce. amen.
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