hit by a school bus...a short one none the less

so, lately i have been researching why my head doesn't seem like it's put on right...and i figured it out...it's those damn children's movies. now, i know that back in the 80's a lot of things seemed like a good idea...crimped hair, rolled up jeans, listening to michael jackson before he touched little boys...but why would it be a good idea to show your kids "the dark crystal," "never ending story," "labyrinth," "wizard of oz," and even "willy wonka and the chocolate factory?" these movies have given me complexes that can never be fixed. for example, i have a fear of little things, especially little people. now, i know that everyone is equal and has feelings, but when you come up to my kneecap and could take me out by biting my ankles, i get a little freaked out. so, where could this have come from? ah, maybe oompa loompas, or any other fictional characters that have scarred me for life. in my relatively mature years, i have many things to be scared of because of kid's movies. no child should ever see a skexie, which looks like an ostrich on heroin that looks like it grew up under power lines. no child should ever see a magwai after it turns into a gremlin because someone fed it after midnight. no child should ever believe that a candy bar with a golden ticket will get them into the most luxurious candy manufacturer for a day where they take a psychedelic boat ride that gives you nightmares for months. no child should ever have to encounter the freaky flying dog/dragon with nasty scales and wings along with the rock man and the wolf that foams at the mouth. and no child should believe that skittles can lure in an alien...i think they are too itelligent for that and would much rather anally probe you to impregnate you. i am still scared of little pudgy aliens, thank you mr. speilberg. every problem that i have nowadays i blame on those cracked out kid's movies. forget blaming my problems on the massive amounts of alcohol that i consume...i failed at being successful because i believed that if i float in the air and come close to a ceiling fan, burping will save me from death. i failed at life because i believed that my bike could double as a flying oblect and that i could phone home with my glowing pointer finger. i failed at everything because i believed that i could follow the yellow brick road to happiness. i think if i ever have children, i will show them movies such as "old school," "kids," and "bad boys." at least they would learn how to throw a college party, learn that sex is highly dangerous, and know that black people can be funny and scary with guns.

oh, and by the way, happy 4/20 you smot pokers. eat some funyuns for me.