hit by a school bus...a short one none the less

okay, let's re-cap on why renee's life sucks...this is actually one of my favorite topics to write about...
point a~ i work at a bar that is run basically by an 18 year-old...not to mention that this 18-year-old's dad owns the place and is a major douche bag...renee+pub=life sucking
point b~ yes, i still own the hanson cd along with the spice girls and the macarena song cd...does it get any worse than that?
point c~ my closest friend in mount pleasant is my cat
point d~ i chew...yes tobacco...but i am from the oxford/ortonville area, so i guess this is acceptable
point e~ i think i have developed a severe case of dyslexia...it took me 21 years to figure this out
point f~ the only things that i have in my fridge are milk, ketchup, and ranch dressing
point h~ i obviously don't know my alphabet, because i think that "h" comes after "f"
point i~ i don't have cable anymore...it got shut off...thanks to a whore of an old roommate
point j~ i am too cheap to pay for heat in the winter...i wear leg warmers, socks, sweat pants, a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, and a sweat shirt to bed...sorry friends who had to suffer through the night without heat who came to visit me
point k~ i missed 3 classes all semester long...what a dork
point l~ my highlight of spring break was making out with my friend, megan
point m~ i sleep wiTH A HELLO KITTY NIGHT LIGHT
point n~my fat fingers hit every key on the keyboard when i type...notice the caps above?
point o~ i have to write my weeks schedule on a scrap piece of paper, because i can't remeber a damn thing
point p~ i own elmo slippers and i am 21 years old...and i love them
point q~ i actually sit around and contemplate reasons to why i am a loser...but at least i am honest with myself

i do have encouragement, though from people that keep my life sweet...for example, this quote that i saved from bart:
"Take it easy, keep the posts coming, sometimes they inspire me to write on my blog again. You're kinda like a part time muse."
thanks, bart...my day just got a little better.

so, lately i have been researching why my head doesn't seem like it's put on right...and i figured it out...it's those damn children's movies. now, i know that back in the 80's a lot of things seemed like a good idea...crimped hair, rolled up jeans, listening to michael jackson before he touched little boys...but why would it be a good idea to show your kids "the dark crystal," "never ending story," "labyrinth," "wizard of oz," and even "willy wonka and the chocolate factory?" these movies have given me complexes that can never be fixed. for example, i have a fear of little things, especially little people. now, i know that everyone is equal and has feelings, but when you come up to my kneecap and could take me out by biting my ankles, i get a little freaked out. so, where could this have come from? ah, maybe oompa loompas, or any other fictional characters that have scarred me for life. in my relatively mature years, i have many things to be scared of because of kid's movies. no child should ever see a skexie, which looks like an ostrich on heroin that looks like it grew up under power lines. no child should ever see a magwai after it turns into a gremlin because someone fed it after midnight. no child should ever believe that a candy bar with a golden ticket will get them into the most luxurious candy manufacturer for a day where they take a psychedelic boat ride that gives you nightmares for months. no child should ever have to encounter the freaky flying dog/dragon with nasty scales and wings along with the rock man and the wolf that foams at the mouth. and no child should believe that skittles can lure in an alien...i think they are too itelligent for that and would much rather anally probe you to impregnate you. i am still scared of little pudgy aliens, thank you mr. speilberg. every problem that i have nowadays i blame on those cracked out kid's movies. forget blaming my problems on the massive amounts of alcohol that i consume...i failed at being successful because i believed that if i float in the air and come close to a ceiling fan, burping will save me from death. i failed at life because i believed that my bike could double as a flying oblect and that i could phone home with my glowing pointer finger. i failed at everything because i believed that i could follow the yellow brick road to happiness. i think if i ever have children, i will show them movies such as "old school," "kids," and "bad boys." at least they would learn how to throw a college party, learn that sex is highly dangerous, and know that black people can be funny and scary with guns.

oh, and by the way, happy 4/20 you smot pokers. eat some funyuns for me.

so, you "want a famous face?" take some tips from me and the procedure will be cheaper...and less painful.
so, you want to be/look like:
~britney. easy, get hair extensions and let them show as much as possible, dye your hair more than you should, and pack on a few pounds so everyone can think you're pregnant. oh, and don't forget to find that husband that looks like he just rummaged through the dumpster for dinner.
~paris. dye your hair a shade of blonde that looks so painfully fake, practice keeping one eye lazy with the eyelid half shut, dance on tables like a drunken idiot, reduce your vocabulary down to one phrase, "that's hot," and tote a chihuahua that looks like it has to piss nervously all over the place. oh, you have to practice that whole night vision eye glow thing, and show your vagina in public at least twice a week.
~christina. pierce every flap of skin that you have, wear so much black eyeliner that it looks like tar, and don't forget the ass-less chaps.
~nicole ritchie. get addicted to heroin, lose a bunch of weight, then run around and say "fuck" a lot.
~angelina jolie. make out with the ass end of a bee. that stinger should puff out your lips just about right. or, you could date ike turner...he could probably puff out your lips pretty good too...and your cheeks, nose, jaw, eye...damn tina, throw a steak on it.
~lindsey lohan. water bra...that should do it.
~justin timberlake. put your hair in corn-rows and dance around like a faggot. and throw in a high pitched "i just got kicked in the nuts" voice and you've got the whole package.

it is a bad idea to have a child if:
~you think it would be cool if you could train them to jump through hoops. that's what seaworld is for...and dolphins are probably a lot better at doing that.
~you need some form of entertainment because you are bored. why don't you just go play mini golf?
~you think it is important to carry on the ingenious genes that god had gifted you with. if you have not a cure for cancer, or cannot solve a rubix cube in 3 seconds, your genes are useless. your offspring would most likely just grow up to watch jerry springer and know how to open beer cans with their teeth....although, that cave man quality is pretty impressive....
~you are too lazy to do chores yourself. hire a maid for christ's sake.
~you are under the age of 21. if you can't drink, how the hell are you going to put up with children?
~your boyfriend thinks it's a good idea. um, last time i checked, he wasn't the one who was going to get fat and push something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a dime.
~you have a severe drinking problem. i am not talking about the damage that a fetus (i just said "fetus"...eww) can receive while in the womb, but after it's born. the teachers will not be impressed when a pre-schooler can shotgun a beer.
~you have massive amounts of body hair. this one should be obvious...your teen-wolf child will shun you for creating offspring...thank you, hereditary genes.
~you have a knack for doing stupid things....over and over. why is it that only the stupid genes always get passed down?