hit by a school bus...a short one none the less

F beauty pageants. who says the women that are in the running for these titles accurately represent what they are running for? i know that a panel of "expert" judges choose who deserves most to be miss whatever, but i think these pageants are a joke and so are the women who are winning. i don't know about you, but apparently only girls who are 5'10'' and weigh 120 pounds give a shit about ending world hunger because they say so when asked to answer the question in 30 seconds or less. and i didn't realize that prancing around in a bikini on stage makes you intelligent enough to talk about saving the whales.
when choosing a woman to represent a certain beauty pageant title, i think the judges need to pick someone who is "real" and really represents the world that we live in today. some people were enraged when miss america could keep her title last year when the world found out she dabbled in underage drinking and did coke. i say, way to go. like 95% of all the other contestants haven't done something stupid once in their lifetime that could compromise a beauty pageant title.
that's why i think i would be an excellent candidate for miss america, or whatever pageant that accepts borderline midgets to enter. here i will produce a list of make believe girls that would enter the beauty pageants with me, because i think that if pageants were real like this, it would better represent the world we live in today.
possible candidates and their brief biographies:

renee/23 years old/from michigan, the weather fucking sucks there/renee has never attempted to save the world before, however, she did volunteer at an animal shelter for a summer while in college/renee experimented with underage drinking, found out she liked it, and hasn't stoppped since/illegal drugs are something that renee has tried before, she doesn't like smoking pot, but she will eat a motherfucking brownie now and then/she has done her share of illegal activities and hi-jacking a car is next on her list, i guess you can say that she is very determined to accomplish goals she sets for herself/renee graduated college, and still can't find a job in her field, prostitution may be in the near future so she can make some money/she would be an excellent candidate for any pageant title because she can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue and she's great with kids...when she's drunk.

destiny/24 years old/from flint-town/currently a stripper but working on her associates in social work/destiny grew up in a rich neighborhood, was spoiled as shit and decided to become a dancer to piss off her parents/she claims "fuck world hunger, i've got an illegitimate child to feed at home and my baby daddy ain't been seen for weeks."/destiny's favorite song is "bowdown" by westside connection when she's roilling on dubs/she would be an ecxellent candidate because she can put her tongue in someone's ear while performing a lap dance and pick pocket them at the same time...she's great at multi-tasking.

debbie/27 years old/from ann arbor/debbie just got out of the joint for a murder conviction when she was 16/she has a multitude of tattoos of baby jesus on her back and down her legs/she can break bricks in half with her hands/when she's not with her PO, she's off trying to score some smack from kids who are half her age/she can't locate europe on a world map and has no idea that there are 7 continents/debbie would be a great candidate because she can make a prison shank out of anything, including a toothbrush, so i guess you can say she's good with her hands...and she strangled a bitch in prison that one time. bitch had it coming, anyway.

which one would you choose to win? i forgot to mention that if i did ever enter a pageant, i would need a fake pregnant belly, a 40 oz of malt liquor and a cigarette just to add some pizazz....look what those three things did for britney's career.

chain letters are ridiculous. they have invaded every mass communication outlet we have ever created; written letters, e-mail, texting, myspace bulletins....etc. i will not part-take in the nonsense of passing on a chain letter. i do not believe that if i do not send this letter to 2,496 people within the next 20 minutes i will have bad luck in love. i do not believe that if i do not forward this letter that world hunger will be cured. and i sure as hell don't buy the ones that say if you forward this letter to 2 people and they forward this letter to 2 people and so on, you will receive 45 cents for every person that keeps the letter going. i have a better idea, if you are so infatuated with the idea of possibly making 45 cents off of people forwarding a letter, it must be out of this world to actually go and apply for a job where you could earn at least $8 an hour. i think some people actually believe in the power of the chain letter, that it may ruin their lives if they do not forward the message. a donkey will not rape your sister at midnight and then slap you in the face with a rotting fish if you stop a chain letter. and you will never find the person of your dreams by sending out a stupid chain letter, either. if you are that concerned with finding the person of your dreams by sending e-mail messages, join eRapist.com. (sorry, that was a little harsh, eHarmony.com.) for the sake of all things sane in this world, please do not send anymore chain letters. i am not too worried that a midget smeared in blue paint might slash my tires or a bald eagle wearing a spinner necklace will drop a dead baby on my car during rush hour. bad things don't happen to people because they stop a chain letter. bad things happen to people with non-registered weapons, heroin addictions and expired work visas. breathe a sigh of relief.

thank goodness i do not have children....i would tell them that instead of leaving cookies for santa, they should leave margaritas, fun-yuns and nudie mags. yet another reason why i should never pro-create. merry x-mas, happy kwanzaa, happy chanukkah....however you take it...have a good one.

renee's new and updated resume:

Renee Ann Carol
Address: I live with my parents.
Special Skills: I can bowl over 200 on Nintendo Wii, I make a pretty mean mango frozen margarita, I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tounge, I am able to color inside the lines, and I can pat my head while rubbing my belly.
Experience: I have a lot, I kind of get around.
Education: Bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

In all actuality, I do have a real resume and college degree, but my degree is useless. I think I would have had better luck in the working world if I had a degree in one of the following, and/or taken classes regarding some of these subjects:

~underwater mating habits of Icelandic mermaids and the sea tortoise
~the declining sales of spandex jumpsuits
~the effect of sniffing glue and the common 2nd grader
~tourettes and the adverse reaction during a sexual situation
~fat girls and the mini skirt addiction
~ninjas and their influence on Asians in America

that's right. it's been far too long since my last post, i almost forgot this place existed. during my almost 2 year break from blogger.com i have learned some things about myself that i will list in numerical order:
1. smelling scented candles makes me hungry.
2. college degrees do not ensure proper employment after graduation. thanks, cmu.
3. i love being a bartender. there's nothing like telling a customer to fuck off and still having a job the next day.
4. i still have a drinking problem. no surprise there, though.
5. jell-o wrestling should only be attempted once in a lifetime. twice, well, then, you're just a fucking moron. i guess i could be considered a fucking moron.
6. chili cheese fries taste the same on the way up as they do going down.
7. i should never procreate.
8. the original candyland board game is way cooler than the more modern version. there is no plumpy. how can we exist in a world where there is no plumpy? that furry fucking bastard...
9. smoking cigarettes does not make me look cool. jell-o wrestling in front of a huge crowd and then being hosed off half naked in the Whiskey's kitchen like cattle, does.
10. apparently i cannot dance. or at least a drag queen told me so. there is nothing like being put in your place by a "woman" who has "her" testicles duct taped to her leg singing "it's raining men."

believe it, bitches. i am getting back in to the swing of things with my passion for blogging. more offensive and pointless posts coming soon. blogging keeps the mind off of drinking. if only i could find something to cure my porn addiction.

it's true. i was in the middle of switching subways for my homeward bound commute when i noticed. i stepped off the first subway and i took a deep breath. i smelled the aroma of sweat, soot and mold. off in the distance i heard something with a beat, so i followed it. as i drew closer to the sound, the remix version of beverly hills cop danced around in my ears, and my heart beat widly with anticipation. what could it be? someone listening to their i-pod too loud? no, it couldn't be, the sound was too rich and real to be streaming through someones earphones. as i continued to follow the rhythm, i stumbled upon a large crowd gathered around. my heart beat faster and faster and i tried to peer through the crowd, but being short didn't help. but then, as someone moved out of the way, there it was. the most glorious thing i have ever seen, a tear formed and tumbled down my cheek. there was the one thing that i had been looking for to make my life complete (sorry, noah). as the person finished moving out of my line of sight, i caught a glance of my very own......OMARION. well, not really Omarion in the flesh, but good enough. there they were...half dressed, sweaty and spinning around on the floor to the beats coming out of their 1986 boom box. a plethora of asian and african americans bending and flexing in ways i didn't know existed to the beat of music. guys had their shirts off, girls had their jeans rolled up, and all were entertaining the crowd and each other. i was watching when all of a sudden someone said, "you just mad, 'cuz today, you suckaz got served." actually, that didn't happen, only in my head, but it would have made my experience complete. all too sudden, i had to leave. as much as i would love to hang out in the subway and breathe rotten air, i had to go to catch my train. but as i walked away, i felt complete and whole. people getting served really does happen, and i think it makes the world a better place. don't worry, Omarion impersonator, i'll return to watch more serving.

on the subway the other day, i noticed a cut on my pinky finger, and the first thought that came to my head was, "oh my gosh, now i have aids." thanks to noah sending me some stats, the third leading cause of death in NYC is AIDS. living in the city is an experience, but it is making me paranoid. now, i am not judgmental, nor do i live my life by statistics, but you can't help but wonder, "what if?" i know that i am being overly dramatic. what's next, i fall down and bruise my knee, now i have scabies. i get sneezed on by a stranger, now i have cancer. i brush up against someone on the street, now i'm pregnant...it never ends. i also think a big part of my paranoia is being by myself. having no one makes someone overly paranoid. all i need is one friend in the city, and then i wouldn't be scared of everything...hell, i could make out with some stranger and not even think about getting oral gonorrhea. j/k, i don't talk to strangers, either.

ok, so, for those of you who don't know, i am in new york city for the next 4 months while i do an internship with VH1. i voluntarily threw myself into this chaotic city, and i fear it might eat me alive, that is, if the flesh eating bacteria from the subway doesn't get me first. i am living on an island right next to manhattan called roosevelt island, and it mainly consists of apartment buildings and grocery stores...oh, we have a post office, too. the city is really pretty at night (in case you have never seen it) and times square is nuts with all the lights. i do, however, sometimes miss the normalcy of ortonville/oxford/mount pleasant. i miss the $1 pints of beer and the hicks that chew tobacco and spit in a cup. i don't think i could ever get used to paying $8 for a gallon of milk and seeing 8-year-olds that are more gangster than any adult i have ever seen. i think that coming home in may will be a huge relief, and i won't have to tote hand sanitizer with me wherever i go.

what i learned about myself this weekend: I LACK SELF CONTROL.
this means:
a. i should never own a gun. period.
b. no one should trust me with small children, valuables, or perishable goods.
c. i should never be sold a liqour license to own and operate my own bar.
d. i should never bring more than $20 to the bar because i just end up drinking and pissing away my money.
e. people should steer clear of me at all times...i am like a wild animal and i could turn at any moment.
f. no one should give me a megaphone and place me in front of a large group of people.
g. going to jail could be in my near future.

lack of self control=becoming big bertha's passive and precious girlfriend in jail.

if i do not gain self control soon, i could lose a lot of things that are important to me...mostly my dignity. any comments on how to keep my sanity and my pride would be greatly appreciated.

drunk strangers coming into your house and peeing on your floor is not fun. trust me, i know.
that should be in a fortune cookie.

what have i discovered in the past month and neglected to comment about in here?
well, katie holmes is knocked up, britney had her baby and gained a triple chin, avril is engaged to deryck whibley, rumors about nick and jessica splitting have multiplied like hamsters, jen aniston and vince vaughn are an item and i am still amazed that you are supposed to use mouthwash before brushing. what do i have to say about all of this? check'er out:
katie and tom: shame on you, tom, for preying on joey potter. are you happy now? do you need a couch to jump on? you have successfully planted your seed in the only woman in hollywood that i would still like to believe is a virgin.
britney: you had a baby. babies are a little tougher to take care of than pint-sized dogs. it won't go as well with your prada evening dress at an event and it probably won't fit comfortably in the louis vuitton carrying case.
avril and deryck: i will send you a case of molson ice if it works out...and only if you two move back to canada.
nick and jessica: get a divorce already so the tabloids have something else to write about.
jen and vince: adopt foreign children together to give brad and angelina a run for their money. and then deny you two are together.
mouthwash: still amazed...it never ends.

ah! it's been a month already...well, here's what renee has learned while on her brief hiatus from blogger.com:

1. renee and homer simpson are probably the only two people on the face of the earth that dream about doughnuts. but ruling out that homer is not really a person, i guess that makes me the only one. dammit.
2. air conditioning is really expensive...i mean REALLY!
3. tubing down the chip river can be fun with a dysfunctional couple...i.e. jake and amanda...
3. a. throwing someone's car in reverse while driving at 55 MPH down the road is not a good way to say, "i love you." i.e. jake and amanda, again.
4. facebook still blows.
5. you are supposed to use mouthwash prior to brushing to loosen plaque. who knew?
6. jager bombs taste like poison...not like i drink poison or anything...uh...
7. forgiveness is a beautiful thing.
8. guys with the name B-RAD only break hearts...*whimper* (not my heart, i swear)
9. lazy slaps are painless, yet serious...write that down.
10. pearsall is a moron...his manners are equivalent to that of a barbarian....what's next? hitting women over the head with a club and dragging them back to your cave? shit, that might have already taken place...you never know with pearsuck.

it was yet another exciting episode of "Mount Pleasant 48858" last night. started off at dustin's staring at his girlfriend's breasts that were obnoxiously hanging out of her shirt...i couldn't look away...oh, we played drinking games, too. then megan and i went to o'kelly's. after too many drinks and a public display of affection...insert lesbian joke here...we proceeded to drink and go to another bar. big mistake. i talked everyone's ears off, got cut off at the bar, got jumped on by a friend and then we fell into a wall, walked home, lost a flip flop, tried to climb a fence and amazingly did not get hit by a car. all followed up with dry heaving in the bathroom at work today.

bottom line: renee has a drinking problem that leads to loss of shoes. but at least i still have my wife...why he's with me, i have no idea....maybe it's because i am drunk entertainment and a borderline lesbian. (sorry, megs, i love you, but i would never date you, i don't want to always be known as "the butch one" and you are too high maintainence for me.)

gee, we should have capped off the night by going streaking. that would have been sweet.

in other news, jonathan taylor thomas is not gay. leave the artist formerly known as randy taylor alone. it's not like he asked to be 5'4''.

renee's idea of a love letter:

dear (fill in the blank),
words cannot describe how much i love you...mostly because when the gag ball is in my mouth, it's hard to speak. you are the apple of my eye, the yin to my yang, and that sensation in my nether area...or maybe that's the crabs. whenever i see you, i get a feeling in my stomach that could be described as butterflies, but to me, it feels more like a dry heave. i love you because you we fit perfectly together like whitney and bobby, minus the black part. i love you because i know that if we live that long, you will love it when i whisper sweet nothings in to your ear with my voice box. love is a friendship that is set on fire, and everything else set on fire is arson, so basically, love is arson that i can't get arrested for. i love you like a fat kid loves cake, or cookies, or twinkies, or anything coated in sugar and sprinkles for that matter that can lead to childhood obesity and juvenile diabetes. i never thought i would find someone like you, mostly because i usually give up too easily if i can't find something. i think it's important that your friends like me, they all say i give some pretty good head...but i am straying from the subject. what i am trying to say is that i truly love you...well, this week, anyway.

love, yours temporarily,
(writer's name here)

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Actor Colin Farrell is suing a woman for allegedly trying to distribute and profit from a sex tape he says the two recorded with the agreement it would never be made public.
The lawsuit filed Monday seeks monetary damages as well as a temporary restraining order and injunction prohibiting the sale or other use of the videotape.
Farrell, 29, accuses Nicole Narain of trying to distribute the tape through an intermediary. The two had an intimate relationship 2 1/2 years ago and both agreed that the 15-minute tape that shows the couple having sex would be jointly owned by them and would remain private, according to the suit.
Narain could not be reached for comment. A call to a phone number listed for her showed the number had been disconnected.
A message left for Farrell's attorney was not immediately returned Monday.
The lawsuit also accused the 31-year-old woman of working with the owner of an Internet pornography business and contacting the news media about the tape.
The lawsuit said the release of the videotape would irreparably harm Farrell's reputation and career.
Farrell, who has starred in "S.W.A.T" and "Alexander," and is slated to appear in "The New World" and "Miami Vice," has been named one of the sexiest men alive by People magazine.
He has a son with model Kim Bordenave.

ah, so many things come to mind when reading this.
first, sex tapes are made to go public. celebrities obviously gain money and fame and lose their common sense. a verbal agreement to not release a sex tape=release of sex tape for a profit and revenge.
second, a 15 minute tape? a hot, young irish boy=15 minutes in the sack? hope has been lost everywhere if colin farrell can only last 15 minutes. ever heard of foreplay, you one-pump chump?
third, this tape will not "harm" his rep. we all know what happened to paris, she's everywhere...even selling burgers on tv commercials.

bottom line...sex tapes=burger endorsements.

i know that my site can prove to be insensitive, rude and useless to some, but this post is here to prove that i can be informative and use this time to teach readers valuable facts...that they will never probably use again. thanks to hookedonfacts.com, i have some random facts that are worth sharing. my comments are in red...(just so there is no confusion.)

*one out of 700 identity thefts are caught every year...the others must have some really good false identities.
*there are 3 golf balls on the moon...this is by far, happy gilmore's greatest victory.
*a toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans...thus proving that we are too dumb to realize that toothpicks are not to be eaten...but i guarantee that porn stars have choked on worse.
*there are 10 cities in the U.S. named Hollywood....and i believe that all are filled with talentless idiots.
*45.2% of people pee in the shower...i got nothing, it must be the convenience.
*there are more bacteria in people's mouths than there are people in the world...does this classify making out as lethal?
*the U.S. military's dried food rations can be re-hydrated with urine...but, i bet they don't taste the same.
*a species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length...imagine the delicious bass you could catch with that.
*flamingoes pee on their legs to cool themselves off...funny, some people do this when they are incredibly drunk.
*iguanas have 2 penises...and they say that the lion is the king of the jungle...ha!
*Formicophilia is the name of a fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals...what dumbshit actually sits back and thinks of a name for something like this? i call it "fucking gross."
*a sneeze can travel up to 100MPH...imagine the snot rockets.
*the U.S. government spent $277K on pickle research in 1993...call me crazy, but i would have rather spent that on cancer research, but i guess that's just me.
*the largest diamond ever found was 3,106 carats...and it is now located on J.Lo's finger.
*the world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 years old, and lived in China in 1910...i guess "get her before the hair does" takes on a whole new meaning.
*Sheep can recognize other sheep from pictures...who actually studies this? get a real fucking job.

okay...time for recess.

i think it's funny when girls blow things totally out of proportion. we also add so much uneccesary drama that it makes me ashamed to own a vagina. when things don't go our way, we need to just sit back and think, w.w.p.d.? (what would penis do?). i am not going to sit here and worship men for their lack of sensitivity and common sense, but i will reward them for their no-drama tactics. although men, those species that tend to think with the smaller head, have a lot of brushing up to do when it comes to things such as pulling their heads out of their asses, i think girls should learn a few things from them....yes, i did say that. when girls get into catfights, they could last days, if not weeks, and the silent treatment is not something that i like to participate in. i think it would be easier if girls took their opponent out in the parking lot and settled it like boys. then, the next morning they could do a simple high five, and call it a day. or, instead of girls getting all pissy when someone rejects them, they should just shrug it off and move onto the next thing that has two legs and walks upright. guys do it all the time, and they don't have low self esteem and lock themselves in the bathroom and cry about it. they grab another beer to boost their confidence and try the next white-trash pick line that they think will actually work. so, take my advice, pretend to have a penis for a day and wash your logic and common sense away.

things that just don't work for me:
1. oral B brush ups...there is no "rip, slip, brush, ahh"...it's more like, "rip slip, brush, uhhhhhh, what am i using these for?"
2. vegetable peelers. i can't ever use these right, i have to use them backwards in order to peel anything...i think i am peeler challenged.
3. kroger brand potatoe salad. way too much mayo and other mcnasty that makes you wanna herf.
4. man whores. i've gotten to know a few, and so has my roommate. we both agree...stay out of the nasty poon-tang.
5. facebook. like megan and i have said, if you are on facebook, you don't talk about facebook. is this like some secret society? "The first rule about facebook is we don't talk about facebook." okay, that's why i never joined the dating cult/fight club rip in the first place.
6. greeks. you can still be a whore and a loser without wearing letters. paris hilton demonstrates this all the time.
7. court dates. thanks to someone, i love sitting around the mount pleasant court house because of someone else's stupidity...stop being selfish and inconsiderate. but i guess it's cool, i bet money that you are knocked up by the time you turn 21. good luck ever moving out of ortonville.
8. summer classes...and speaking of which, i must attend mine...

....we musn't dwell, not on rex manning day.

renee's favorite non-famous quotes:

"why don't they make budweiser light?'
~erin...i knew you were blonde for a reason.

"i just wanted to take my muffin out of my purse."
~jennifer...this should have a sexual inside joke to it...but simply, she just had a huge muffin in her damn purse.

"you don't take state by being a chump."
~dad...you are such a bad ass.

"girls don't have sperm, we have pimp juice."
~me...sometimes, i think i am brilliant.

"no, seriously guys, i'm not that drunk."
~walters...this is coming from the guy who just drank a fifth of popov blue label.

"if you were a guy, renee, you would be hung like an asian man."
~jennifer, yet again...and in retaliation, if you were a man, i hope you would be hung like a toddler...and un-circumcized.

renee can now die a happy woman and know that she accomplished just about every goal she set for herself. last night...in a buzzed up state, renee...who obviously talks about herself in third person....felt two pairs of fake breasts. not just one, but two...two pairs of water baloons that felt like they were stuffed with flour and surgically placed in a female's chest. one of the pairs was painfully fake that could be noticed across the bar, and after stalking her for about a minute, i finally grew the balls to tell her that i wasn't a lesbian, but i wanted to cop a feel on those large monuments. she looked a little suprised, probably because she wasn't drunk yet, but agreed to have me feel her up. the second encounter happened in a bathroom...i felt a little like george michael with this one. these were not so noticably fake...they were normal sized and covered up. my friend started talking to her and found out that her breasts were definitely purchased. after applying a two hand grip on this set, i came to the conclusion that breast implants are a bad idea. but, i said that they felt nice, because who wants to buy something really expensive and have people talk bad about it? i wouldn't talk shit about someone's bentley...although a bentley would look really wierd surgically implanted in a girls chest.
over-all, i think that fake boobies are bad for three reasons:
1. they cost too damn much. if you want to blow your money on something that could be potentially harmful to your body, blow your money on drugs...that way, when you are all doped up, you will forget about your itty bitty titties.
2. you have to replace them every so often. as if the first surgery wouldn't be bad enough, you will have to endure more to have them "refreshed." i hated having my nose pierced twice, let alone someone rip open my fun bags every eight years or so to keep my fake boobs healthy.
3. they don't move. if you bounce around, they stay in one place. if i am going to pay so much for boobs, at least give me mobile ones. geeze.

my mom calls this one of my "lesbian adventures." just because i have an infatuation with touching breast implants doesn't make me a lesbian, right? i just wanted to feel a fake boob...it's not my fault that they are connected to a girl's chest.

okay, let's re-cap on why renee's life sucks...this is actually one of my favorite topics to write about...
point a~ i work at a bar that is run basically by an 18 year-old...not to mention that this 18-year-old's dad owns the place and is a major douche bag...renee+pub=life sucking
point b~ yes, i still own the hanson cd along with the spice girls and the macarena song cd...does it get any worse than that?
point c~ my closest friend in mount pleasant is my cat
point d~ i chew...yes tobacco...but i am from the oxford/ortonville area, so i guess this is acceptable
point e~ i think i have developed a severe case of dyslexia...it took me 21 years to figure this out
point f~ the only things that i have in my fridge are milk, ketchup, and ranch dressing
point h~ i obviously don't know my alphabet, because i think that "h" comes after "f"
point i~ i don't have cable anymore...it got shut off...thanks to a whore of an old roommate
point j~ i am too cheap to pay for heat in the winter...i wear leg warmers, socks, sweat pants, a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, and a sweat shirt to bed...sorry friends who had to suffer through the night without heat who came to visit me
point k~ i missed 3 classes all semester long...what a dork
point l~ my highlight of spring break was making out with my friend, megan
point m~ i sleep wiTH A HELLO KITTY NIGHT LIGHT
point n~my fat fingers hit every key on the keyboard when i type...notice the caps above?
point o~ i have to write my weeks schedule on a scrap piece of paper, because i can't remeber a damn thing
point p~ i own elmo slippers and i am 21 years old...and i love them
point q~ i actually sit around and contemplate reasons to why i am a loser...but at least i am honest with myself

i do have encouragement, though from people that keep my life sweet...for example, this quote that i saved from bart:
"Take it easy, keep the posts coming, sometimes they inspire me to write on my blog again. You're kinda like a part time muse."
thanks, bart...my day just got a little better.

so, lately i have been researching why my head doesn't seem like it's put on right...and i figured it out...it's those damn children's movies. now, i know that back in the 80's a lot of things seemed like a good idea...crimped hair, rolled up jeans, listening to michael jackson before he touched little boys...but why would it be a good idea to show your kids "the dark crystal," "never ending story," "labyrinth," "wizard of oz," and even "willy wonka and the chocolate factory?" these movies have given me complexes that can never be fixed. for example, i have a fear of little things, especially little people. now, i know that everyone is equal and has feelings, but when you come up to my kneecap and could take me out by biting my ankles, i get a little freaked out. so, where could this have come from? ah, maybe oompa loompas, or any other fictional characters that have scarred me for life. in my relatively mature years, i have many things to be scared of because of kid's movies. no child should ever see a skexie, which looks like an ostrich on heroin that looks like it grew up under power lines. no child should ever see a magwai after it turns into a gremlin because someone fed it after midnight. no child should ever believe that a candy bar with a golden ticket will get them into the most luxurious candy manufacturer for a day where they take a psychedelic boat ride that gives you nightmares for months. no child should ever have to encounter the freaky flying dog/dragon with nasty scales and wings along with the rock man and the wolf that foams at the mouth. and no child should believe that skittles can lure in an alien...i think they are too itelligent for that and would much rather anally probe you to impregnate you. i am still scared of little pudgy aliens, thank you mr. speilberg. every problem that i have nowadays i blame on those cracked out kid's movies. forget blaming my problems on the massive amounts of alcohol that i consume...i failed at being successful because i believed that if i float in the air and come close to a ceiling fan, burping will save me from death. i failed at life because i believed that my bike could double as a flying oblect and that i could phone home with my glowing pointer finger. i failed at everything because i believed that i could follow the yellow brick road to happiness. i think if i ever have children, i will show them movies such as "old school," "kids," and "bad boys." at least they would learn how to throw a college party, learn that sex is highly dangerous, and know that black people can be funny and scary with guns.

oh, and by the way, happy 4/20 you smot pokers. eat some funyuns for me.

so, you "want a famous face?" take some tips from me and the procedure will be cheaper...and less painful.
so, you want to be/look like:
~britney. easy, get hair extensions and let them show as much as possible, dye your hair more than you should, and pack on a few pounds so everyone can think you're pregnant. oh, and don't forget to find that husband that looks like he just rummaged through the dumpster for dinner.
~paris. dye your hair a shade of blonde that looks so painfully fake, practice keeping one eye lazy with the eyelid half shut, dance on tables like a drunken idiot, reduce your vocabulary down to one phrase, "that's hot," and tote a chihuahua that looks like it has to piss nervously all over the place. oh, you have to practice that whole night vision eye glow thing, and show your vagina in public at least twice a week.
~christina. pierce every flap of skin that you have, wear so much black eyeliner that it looks like tar, and don't forget the ass-less chaps.
~nicole ritchie. get addicted to heroin, lose a bunch of weight, then run around and say "fuck" a lot.
~angelina jolie. make out with the ass end of a bee. that stinger should puff out your lips just about right. or, you could date ike turner...he could probably puff out your lips pretty good too...and your cheeks, nose, jaw, eye...damn tina, throw a steak on it.
~lindsey lohan. water bra...that should do it.
~justin timberlake. put your hair in corn-rows and dance around like a faggot. and throw in a high pitched "i just got kicked in the nuts" voice and you've got the whole package.

it is a bad idea to have a child if:
~you think it would be cool if you could train them to jump through hoops. that's what seaworld is for...and dolphins are probably a lot better at doing that.
~you need some form of entertainment because you are bored. why don't you just go play mini golf?
~you think it is important to carry on the ingenious genes that god had gifted you with. if you have not a cure for cancer, or cannot solve a rubix cube in 3 seconds, your genes are useless. your offspring would most likely just grow up to watch jerry springer and know how to open beer cans with their teeth....although, that cave man quality is pretty impressive....
~you are too lazy to do chores yourself. hire a maid for christ's sake.
~you are under the age of 21. if you can't drink, how the hell are you going to put up with children?
~your boyfriend thinks it's a good idea. um, last time i checked, he wasn't the one who was going to get fat and push something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a dime.
~you have a severe drinking problem. i am not talking about the damage that a fetus (i just said "fetus"...eww) can receive while in the womb, but after it's born. the teachers will not be impressed when a pre-schooler can shotgun a beer.
~you have massive amounts of body hair. this one should be obvious...your teen-wolf child will shun you for creating offspring...thank you, hereditary genes.
~you have a knack for doing stupid things....over and over. why is it that only the stupid genes always get passed down?

when i sit back and reminisce about tv shows that rocked, i get sad, because a lot of them don't run anymore, or they are in syndication. here's my list of tv shows that rocked and should be brought back, full throttle:
1. sifl and ollie. this was a brilliant show that featured 2 sock puppets doing things like interviewing batteries and other household products. my hat goes off to the stoner that created this kick ass tv show.
2. undressed. this was aired on mtv for a time, but it got cancelled. it was on at about 11 p.m. or so, and it was a show all about sex, hence the title. i really liked it. well, maybe that's because i am a giant perv.
3. golden girls. i don't care who you are or where you're from, you love this show. i still can't get over the fact that the grandmother in the show was actually older than blanche, rose and dorothy! those make-up people rock.
4. beavis and butt-head. i don't have a reason why i like this one...maybe because i know 2 people that look exactly like beavis and butt-head...poor bastards.
5. my little pony. i'm not talking about the shit that runs on tv now, because the old cartoons are genuine. i love my little ponies...and i am attracted to all of the bright colors.